The Pessimist's Guide to College


Being a new college grad, I feel it would be irresponsible of me not to impart some of the wisdom and venomous cynicism I have gained through my years. I’m sure some of the seemingly myriad high school kids who read this (and I assume look up to me) could use the advice if they ever manage to pull themselves away from the fryalator and make it into the world of higher education. Ready for some soul-crushing defeatism? Here's how it's all going to shake out.

Freshman year:

Hills are the geological formation of the devil. You will begin to consider the budgetary feasibility of dynamiting that damn hill that every campus seems to have after walking up and down it ten times a day. In spite of this, you will not lose weight.
If you were smart in high school and worked your ass off to get into school, you will be shocked and saddened to see the kind of people that they let in. If you are dumb and got into school, you are part of the problem.
Some alcoholic beverages should never be mixed, but you will try anyways. These include jug wine and cheap vodka, Jim Beam and Mountain Dew Code Red, or shots of anything and the belly button of a fat girl. You will drink awful things, and every morning you will regret it.
You will believe that house parties are the alpha and the omega of the college social scene, and that alone is depressing enough.

Sophomore Year

Living with friends seems like it’s going to be the most fun party ever, all the time. Should you choose to try this, be prepared to replenish your friend supply.
You didn’t appreciate dorm food before, but the moment you try to mix butter and water as a milk substitute you’ll have very fond memories of those rubbery cheeseburgers.
Most of the people you thought would never hack it in college didn’t. They drank too much and dropped out. In three years, you will be working for them, and it’s best to come to terms with this now, rather than resent it later.

Junior Year

By this time, you should be realizing that you don’t like your major. You will consider changing it, but decide it will be too much extra work. This decision will haunt you for the rest of your life. If by some miracle you do switch majors, you will forever look back and wonder what could have been.
You should probably be studying abroad in your junior year, because if you don’t all your friends will be and you will live a sad, lonely existence. If you do study abroad, you will unfavorably compare your old friends to your new abroad friends whom you will never see again. This also leads to a sad and lonely existence.
Because you are now of age, you will begin going to crowded college bars filled with assholes. You will watch as they all go home with beautiful women while you drink alone. If you are lucky, one of them will beat you up.

Senior Year

This is the time in your college career when cultivating functional alcoholism begins to get appealing. I’m not talking about party time, gettin’ hammered every weekend. I’m talking about a steady booze intake at all times to calm the nerves. It’s not about fun anymore.
You will realize that not only do you hate your major, but that it is completely worthless and will find you no employment better than bagging groceries. Any friends you have left, however, will already have exciting and well paying jobs in their field.
As your TAs are now only a year or two ahead of you, they will begin to seem much less imposing than they once were. Because of this, you will become surly and flippant in class. This will result in bad grades.
Finally, you will graduate! Congratulations! Look forward to months of living at home watching your friends move on with their lives while you drink to stave off dark and horrible thoughts. If you do manage to find work, your semi-functional alcoholism will result in your immediate dismissal. Eventually, you will realize that without graduate school, your degree is worthless and you will return to college many years later, but this time as the creepy old guy who smells like gin and hits on freshman girls.