Richie on
Entertainment
As we all know, Alex has excused himself out of a real profession by choosing a path in screenwriting. Being the good friend that I am, I thought I would help him by giving him some of my terrific TV and film ideas to allow him to practice. Having watched enough VH1 and crappy summer blockbuster movies, any schmoe with patience and an income formidable enough for booze and drugs, can come up with a multi-million dollar screen idea. Here are a few of my ideas. Alex, this is for you.
Title: No Assembly Required
Tagline: Get cut before you get cut
Idea: This is a reality show that combines the best of "The Swan" and "Survivor". Ugly people who hope to get cosmetic surgery make up the contestant pool for this show. Before the series gets rolling, each contestant will meet with a doctor to plot out a blueprint of all the surgery they will undergo, nose job, breast augmentation, calf implants, and so on. As oppose to "The Swan", a new surgery will be performed once every episode instead of all at once. This is where the "Survivor" edge cuts in (crappy pun intended). After every procedure, the contestants will have to perform one or a series of challenges to secure their place on the show. If they fail the challenge, they will be kicked off the metaphorical surgical island, surgery partially done, thus uglier and more mutilated than when they arrived at the show (except for the winner).
Title: Real Reality
Tagline: See what you've been missing
Idea: I couldn't come up with a good title for this one, then again I am doing this pro bono for Alex, so I don't care. This is yet another reality show that instead of following around the characters of all of your favorite reality shows, follows the cameramen and women. I figured something interesting must happen to these people during their day long shift of filming MTV's drunks or FOX's police gone wild ("World's Wildest Police", right?). Anyway, with some good editing and maybe some forced story added by the producers, I think this show could be more than just an occasional dropped boom mike.
Title: The Odd Couple
Idea: A talking humidifier lives with a talking de-humidifier in a downtown New York high rise. One is employed at a respected bank and working his way up to branch manager while the other spends most of his time at home scouring eBay for good deals. Their polar characteristics collide in this hilarious mash-up of moist vs dry.
Title: Miyagi, The Untold Story
Tagline: The Third Reich falls to The Crane
Idea: Unfortunately, this one isn't my idea. My good friend Kevin came up with this after we watched the Karate Kid trilogy (sorry, I don't consider Hilary Swank to be any form of Karate lineage). This film unfolds the time Miyagi spent in WWII fighting for the Americans. As Kevin says: This script was conceived in examining the nonsensical subplot offered in The Karate Kid Part I, that the character of Miyagi was a Medal-of-Honor winner during World War II, earned by his incredible skill in "killing Germans". This is something so radically contrary to the actual history of the matter (Japan's place as an Axis power; and the US's internment of its Japanese citizens) that the plot needed to be explored further.
Title: Shampoozled
Tagline: Rinsing The Great Negroe Actors
Idea: This movie is a spoof of Spike Lee's 2000
"Bamboozled". It's about how an American (read: Parisian
"inspired") hair care company embarrasses and exploits the
modern American black man by testing their shampoos on them
instead of cute little rabbits when they realize that
rabbit pelts do not put their products through the most
rigorous of tests. A little offensive but I'm sure Alex
could work in a double-edged sword full of American satire
and commentary. (Alex: Probably not, but I'll talk to
Spike Lee)
Title: Trainwreck
Tagline: Everyone Looks
Idea: A passenger train derails in southern Utah. When the
survivors manage to pry themselves away from the mangled
wreckage, they realize that they are near an old nuclear
testing ground where deformed residents lurk. As the press
picks up on this, the Government must step in to quietly
erase the survivors so that they don't tell the world about
the radioactive persons. The survivors must simultaneously
fight the deformed and the Government while trying to
expose the truth. You know, with a little work, this would
actually be one I would like to see. Huh. (Alex: Make the
survivors and the mutants team up to fight the government,
and you've got cinematic gold)
Well there you have it. Alex permitting, your next few
summers are already plotted out for you.