B-Movie
Bonanzamataz!
It is no secret that I am a lover of bad movies. As any
of my friends will tell you, I have subjected them to
cinematic horrors too numerous to count. When I tell my
roommates "Hey, we're watching a movie tonight," they tend
to flee to the dark corners of their bedrooms and not
emerge until the celluloid danger has passed. However, my
movie suggestions are not always met with weeping and
gnashing of teeth. There are some B-Movie experiences,
regardless of budget, talent, or any other traditional
redeeming quality that are so sublime that their praises
must be shouted from the rooftops. None of these movies are
good in your pretentious, "look at me I have taste" kind of
way. But they are some of the awesomest movies ever made.
Here are 5.
After seeing this, I realized my previously unrecognized need for a shag-carpet covered spaceship. Barbarella, played by Jane Fonda, is given the task of finding the evil scientist Duran Duran and stopping him from doing something or other. It doesn't matter. What's important is looking at Jane Fonda's tits clad in a stunning array of fabulous 60's-tastic outfits. She spends much of the movie being boned by every male cast member from a giant, hairy bear man to a blind angel. She also gets trapped in some kinda of crazy sexual pipe organ and smokes a man in a hookah. The whole thing is very, for lack of a better term, groovy. What's truly satisfying is seeing Jane Fonda objectified, topless, and nymphomaniac before she got all feminist and political. It's be like seeing Gloria Seinem in a porno. Well, like that but much more visually appealing.
I know that I've publicly admitted it before, but it bears repeating that I have a man-crush on Kurt Russel. Who wouldn't with lines like this:
Jack Burton: Terrific, a six-demon bag. Sensational. What's in it?
Truly, when John Carpenter and Kurt Russel work together, no wrong can be done. The basic gist of the movie is that Jack Burton, driver of the Pork Chop Express, gets involved in some kind of ancient mystical hijinks with the evil Lo Pan in Chinatown. Most importantly, you get to watch Kurt and his awesome tank top kick ass and make jokes about Chinese people. Of course, with John Carpenter directing there's plenty of fun special effects and gross-looking monsters, all of which are surprisingly convincing for an 80's action movie. Also, there's Kim Cattrall back before she was a withered old bag.
Continuing the trend of 80's B-movies we have the absolutely visionary Repo Man. Emilio Estevez plays Otto Maddox, disillusioned punk, who finds his way into the reposession business. Rub is, he's supposed to reposess a Chevy Malibu carrying a mysterious cargo that reduces anyone who sees it to only their smoking shoes. It's hilarious satire, has a great punk soundtrack, and it's got Emilio fucking Estevez, for chrissakes. Also, all beer in the movie comes in whick cans labeled only as "BEER" in big black letters. I never fail to get a kick out of that.
Any video store on earth is rife with some really awful no-budget horror films, and you might think this is one of them by looking at the cover. But if you're a fan of a cute dog eating the intestines out of the stomach of a still alive man, and you like big rubbery looking werewolves and tons of gore, this movie is for you. The special effects are sub par, but the blood flows as it would from Andy Dick's nose after a coke binge of biblical proportions. Finally, it's British. If anybody knows werewolves, it's those dirty fog-breathers. Keep an eye out for the jaw-droppingly stupid ending.
I don't even know what to say about this movie. It is a kitsch masterpiece. You ever see any random moment in some TV show involving someone with a crystal in their hand that starts blinking red then they die? That's this movie. It takes place in a future society where when you turn 30 you are taken to some crazy ceremony where you float up in the air and explode. Or, barring that, the Sandmen chase you down and kill you. What's important is that it's got some of the coolest sets you'll ever see, an ice robot, a ruined Lincoln Monument, and a particularly embarassing Farah Fawcett cameo. It's also vital for any pop culture aficionado, as the movie has been referenced myriad times in everything from Newsradio to Family Guy. Required viewing.
Thus concludes round one of the B-Movie Bonanzamataz. You may think you're finished with all the awesomely bad Hollywood has to offer, but you're dead wrong. There is so much low budget fabulousness in my collection alone that this should be the first in a long series of articles. We haven't heven hit the foreign stuff yet...