A College Anectode

I've told this story so many times to so many people, that I figured it would be worth relaying to the world via this site, because I personally think it's hilarous. This story is completely true and not in any way embellished upon. During my freshman year dorm sentence, I was cursed with an absolutely nuts asshole roomate who was extremely difficult to put up with, as exemplified by the following:

One evening, I was out hanging around with some buddies, and returned to my dorm room around two in the morning. As I had a 9:30 class the next morning, I was eager to go to bed. However, my attempt at sleep was foiled by the fact that my roommate was there with some random, kind of ugly girl, and the were both sloshed off their asses (this was a Wednesday, keep in mind). They were being loud and obnoxious, but in spite of that I was eventually able to fall asleep around maybe 2:30.

Soon after, I was awakened by massive, room shaking thud. My roomate and his lady friend had both fallen off of his loft, landing so that he hit the hard tile floor, and her so she hit her back on a weird metal bar under the loft. He had cut himself, and was bleeding all over the floor, and she was screaming like a banshee with severe tourettes. Then, for what seemed like forever, they both yelled like crazy people. She would't stop whining about her back, screaming, "Oh, god, my back, oh, it hurts so much, arrgh" and he was ranting like a crazy man, alternating between telling this girl he had presumably just met how much he loved her and swearing at her. Also, he talked about how he almost died when he was six months old and he can remember it and that's why he's so fucked up. Meanwhile, I was laying in bed in the fetal position, with a pillow over my head, praying that they would just shut the fuck up. Eventually they did, and I fell asleep. But soon, I was awakened again. Awakened by the sound of a bed creaking.

That's right, not five feet away from me, they were fucking. Mercifully, I think I only caught the tail end of it, as all I heard was my roommate saying, "Shh, you've gotta be quieter". Then, I heard the schlup-snap noise of a condom coming off. I held back my gag reflex and was finally able to get the mere three hours of sleep I needed before I had to wake up for class.

To my delight, I woke up to blood and condom wrappers on the floor. But the most akward part of the whole experience was the next day at lunch the girl came up to me (limping) and apologized for spending the night screaming about her back. She didn't mention the fucking, either because she was embarrassed, or she didn't remember it. Neither would surprise me in the least.