Irritating Electoral Fallout

There is perhaps nothing more ridiculous than hearing uninformed, merely stupid, or maybe even batshit crazy people talking about politics. This is not to say that I shun anything emanating from the beltway like it were some kind of evil fog that makes your skull explode into a fountain of red, white, and blue confetti. Far from it. I eat that political fog like were in fact not fog, but a soup-like and nutritious liquid of delicious patriotism. It's hard not to be when you're a political science major in one of the most obnoxiously activist ridden schools in the country. So, in the spirit of everyone's endlessly irritating post-election gloating or suicide, I bring you a long list of those politics-related behaviors that need to be stopped. And if you don't quit it, it's off to the gualgs with ye, comrade.

Electoral Doomsayers

I have heard people claiming, in all seriousness, that any of the following will occur due to the reelection of Bush: homosexuals will be jailed, martial law will be declared and enforced by a private, corporate army, and the draft will be reinstituted, and they will need to start taking higher doses of their bipolar medication. People don't seem to understand that no matter how fucked up things get, eveyone will forget about it in four years. Unless you're still blaming Clinton for 9/11 or Reagan for the deficit.

I'm moving to Canada/If you don't like it, move to Canada

Anyone who has ever uttered either of these phrases should be sent to the northernmost tip of that god forsaken land, lashed naked to a tree, and be devoured by bears. People just need to realize that Canada is not special, either as a socialist paradise or a communist hell-hole. Canada is America fucking junior. The only unique culture the country has are those worthless French Canadians, who have nothing better to do but bitch about what language is on anything and how big. People who are foolish enough to move to Canada will discover it's America but cleaner and less fun. Besides, no one ever moves there anyways. It's just something they say to look cool to their liberal friends.

Blue State/Red State Secessionists

You've all seen the redrawn map of the united states with all the blue states added to Canada, and all the red states dubbed "Jesusland". You'll also realize that this is retarded if you've ever seen the map shaded by county. Pennsylvania, for instance, is blue on the east and west parts of the state, and Alabama in the middle. Just because a state is red does not mean that it contains people who are a combination of Yosemite Sam, Jerry Fallwell, and Hitler. Shit, the western states are redder than the south. Consider maybe a long tradition of individualism rather than gay-hatin'? Nah, that's too hard.

Don't blame me, I voted third party!

If you voted third party you are a spineless coward. it doesn't matter what third party you voted for either. Instead, these people should have said "I don't like to vote because the political process is icky and I want to make a statement without putting anything on the line". Try voting for someone who might get elected, and then writing them a letter saying you disagree with some of their positions. Or sit in your mom's basement whining about how politics excludes those with new and exciting positions (whackos), then exclude yourself and stay home.

Media Equalizers:

You can't justify liking, say, Ed Schultz over Rush Limbaugh simply because "Oh, the right has controlled the airwaves for so long, and I'm sick of those crazy conservatives spouting their message unabated!" This is the same as saying "I don't care how much of a tool Sean Hannity is, it's nice to see some balance in that otherwise liberal media, what with their Michael Moore!" This especially applies to any of you celebrating the birth of the eminently worthless Air America. They sit around circle-jerking each other about how they are a new paradigm in talk radio, but fail to realize the only thing that separates Al Franken from Bill O'Reilly is their policy stances. A party hack is a party hack is a party hack. And god help you if you think any of these people were somehow instrumental in the election outcome.

Douchebag foreigner opinions of Americans

Fuck you, London Daily Mirror. Some of you may have heard about their post-election headline, "How can 59,054,087 People be so Dumb?" I don't mind if you wholeheartedly agree with that statement, but even as a Democrat or raging bush hater, you should still be infuriated with that statement. You should be angry that another country can make moronic claims about the intelligence of the electorate, and you know why? Because next time it could be YOU. Individual electoral preferences aside, they have made the claim that any American who doesn't bend to the political whims of another country is a slobbering retard. I don't like any filthy limey saying that about me now, and I'm sure others of you don't like having a precedent for them saying that about you in the future, when the political winds inevitably change.

Bush's win is proof that America is a christian nation!

Really? That's funny, because, uh, I voted for Bush, and I'm not feeling any sudden swell of old-tyme christ lovin'. As a moderate Republican, any declaration like this makes me pray to my atheist god that the Republican party is going to temper their crazy religious social positions, or at the very least just tone it down a bit. What happened to the "Big Tent"? If they keep it up the Republicans are going to look like the Democrats in ten years or so, so they had better stop moving right lest they alienate even more people. And, to approximately quote John Adams and put all this into perspective, "America is no more a christian nation than it is a hebrew, mohammedite, or atheist nation". So cut it out, assholes. You're ruining it for the rest of us.

2008 Nostradamusing

A person's prediction for who will run in 2008 serves only to describe what they thought the shortcoming of their candidate was this time around. People who think McCain will run thought Bush was too conservative. People who think Obama will run thought Kerry was too elitist. People who think Hillary or Dean will run thought the Democrats could have stood to lose even worse. Plus, the next electionisn't for an eternity in political terms. For all you know, Hillary could ritually sacrifice a jewish baby or Obama could strangle a hooker, neither of which would be so hot for public opinion (except that jew-baby sacrifice, that might play in Europe).

John Stewart for President!

Yeah, I think he's pretty damn funny, and I liked seeing stick it to the Crossfire tools as much as the next guy. But, uh, what's that thing he does, you know, the thing with all the words that make jokes? Oh, right, he does fucking comedy. Last I checked, being able to make people laugh doesn't qualify you for anything except Live at the Apollo.

The election may be over, but it's not to late to make America a better place. You can make America better simply by cramming a flag in your apple-pie-hole and not espousing your now-irrelevant political opinions. And no, this isn't about free speech, this is about being an obnoxious douchebag. The ACLU can probably stay home on this one. So, everyone, all together now, knock it the fuck off!