LiveJournal Roundup:
Goth-A-Go-Go

Livejournal.com may be one of the very worst things ever spawned from the foul pits of the internet. To the uninitiated, a LiveJournal is a free blog, a place where pathetic people can blow their lame chunks of thought onto the barroom floor of the web. The day that I see a LiveJournal that has anything worth reading and thinking about on it will be the day I find the funding to build my own rocketship and fire myself into the sun.

Obviously, I'm not a big fan of LiveJournals. So why the hell do I have an article called the LiveJournal Roundup? Check it: The LiveJournal site lets you looks for journals by username. For each article, I will guess at usernames that fit my theme do jour, and report on the very best ones I find.

This week, it's everyone's favorite mopey, suicidal black dressed crew around! It's Goth-A-Go-Go! I will be looking for usernames with words like vampire, goth, night, blood, witch, satan, and the like. First Up:

User: wiccagirl
General Tone: Angsty as a motherfucker.
Empty Suicide Threat?: You betcha.
Reason for Threat?: Apparently wiccagirl was wronged by someone and wants to commit suicide to blame it on them. Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face, jesus.
Life Sucks Because: Math test, school is like prison, tired, sick of everyone.
Bad Poetry/Song Lyrics?: Hells yes. "while my flesh's cut to the bone/with this bloody violent behavior/desperate for a reason/why I go through the pain"
Personal Favorite Quote: "Really need to scream. Loudly. I just need to scream until everyone is dead and their blood soaks into the cold earth. I just need to scream until the darkness turns to light, and it pours onto my bloody head, which someone keeps bashing against the pavement, or maybe just doing it myself, as a distraction. From the endless monotony of my violent dreams, bloody tears, and restless days. I need someone to comfort me at my saddest, not run when I'm at my darkest, rejoice with me when that light comes through the clouds, and stand with me when the rain threatens to drown me"
This Person Needs to be Euthanized Because: You think you're getting victimized? How about you fucking grow up, wash off the pancake makeup, and stop believing that your spell to make the lead cheerleader's hair fall out is going to work. High school may seem like prison, but let's see how much personal freedom you have when you can barely live on your shitty goth coffehouse salary and you're still getting made fun of by people more successful than you in your late 20's. Either cast a spell of prozac or follow through with that suicide. Or how about you pray to your wiccan nature goddess for some friends, loser.

User: gothgrl
General Tone: Pretty much just whiny.
Empty Suicide Threat?: No, but she claims she's cutting herself, which is obviously a lie so that her goth LiveJournal buddies will think she's extra hardcore. Post the pictures and prove it, wuss.
Life Sucks Because: Her rat is sick, school blows and there are no other goths there, has to cut herself now that Daniel isn't around
Bad Poetry/Song Lyrics?: No, but she does mention scrawny pale guys, which is a demographic also mentioned on a shirt from Hot Topic.
Personal Favorite Quote: "I have recently started cutting myself again. I stoped for 3 months because my best friends made me. I wish i could go back to being with Daniel i didnt have the need to cut then, i was eternal bless tho is was such a short time."
This Person Needs to be Euthanized Because: She is a whiny attention whore who has some irration attraction to skinny white boys. Shit, fat white dudes are way better. Also, the fact that she is apparently attracted to goth guys means that there is danger of her multiplying together with them, creating an entire race of people who are good for nothing but pasty-white pavement.

User: evilguy
General Tone: Sexcrazed, LOUD, confessional of love
Empty Suicide Threat?: No, but there is a generalized threat of violence towards others.
Life Sucks Because: Girls only like him as a friend, especially Sara, everyone is mean, people who you meet off AOL are a bunch of jerks, which is true.
Bad Poetry/Song Lyrics?: None whatsoever.
Personal Favorite Quote: "ONCE I GET MY CAR AND I FIND OUT THAT SOMEONE IS FUCKING WITH HER PHYSICALLY OR EMOTIONALLY OR MENTALLY, I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN, AND I WONT BE RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT HAPPENS. OBVIOUSLY IF ITS A GIRL, ILL LET HER HANDLE IT"
This Person Needs to be Euthanized Because: I actually fear for this Sarah person after reading evilyguy's journal. His obsession could go a number of ways: He could set up a private shrine to her in his closet that he masubates to, hoping his mom doesn't walk in, he carves her name on his chest and stalks her, or he just jumps off a bridge because he's so lame. I hope for number three. Anyone who in only capable of writing in all caps should jump off something very, very tall.

User: satanslover
General Tone: Surprisingly bubbly for someone so goth.
Empty Suicide Threat?: I'm sure it's in there, but this journal is fucking retarded long and I'm not about to give myself brain cancer reading through all of it.
Life Sucks Because: People eat meat, other than that pretty happy for someone who appears so goth.
Bad Poetry/Song Lyrics?: EVERYWHERE. "Kiss me kiss me kiss me/Your tongue is like poison/So swollen it fills up my mouth/Love me love me love me/You nail me to the floor/And push my guts all inside out". Those are some profoundly retarded song lyrics.
Personal Favorite Quote: It's a toss up. Either, "One of my passions is named Johnny Knoxville!" or, "last time you cried: constantly"
This Person Needs to be Euthanized Because: First, anyone who posts the results of any sort of "If you were a suchandsuch, which suchandsuch would you be?" quiz anywhere, be it their livejournal, their AIM profile, or anywhere else has absolutely no personality whatsoever. Look at me! I'm a tequila sunrise! I'm Homer Simpson! I'm a no-brained douchebag who lets some jerkoff geek tell me what I am because he thinks he's clever and knows a little CGI script! This broad's Journal contains no less than ten of these quiz results, including what madonna song she is, what kind of sheep she is, and what kind of inbred dog she is. Maybe, just maybe, if she takes enough quizzes, the internet will open wide, christ will leap out, and shoot her in the face. Also, she is in love with Morrissy, is militant vegetarian, and watches Nick Junior, probably because she thinks it helps keep her inner child happy or some shit. That's three strikes, you don't deserve the air you breathe.

User: evilgirl
General Tone: Teenage angst-o-rama.
Empty Suicide Threat: No, but she mentions that earlier in her journal that the band Garbage kept her from killing herself.
Life Sucks Because: Garbage is changing how they sound, she is incapable of parallel parking and won't pass her driver's test, she has a bratty liittle 10 year old sister that apparently is so horrible that she's almost getting thrown out of her house for fighting with her. Or maybe you're just a whiny cunt, no?
Bad Poetry/Song Lyrics?: Garbage lyrics, but I don't mind garbage so much so I guess I'll call it a no. But posting any lyrics is still bad.
Personal Favorite Quote: "i found this girl cassie's website, an anti-garbage website. that shit pisses me off. i know everyone has thier own opinions but personally I don't see how ANYONE can look at Shirley and dislike her in any way. Shirley is GOD"
This Person Needs to be Euthanized Because: Anyone who is this obsessed with any band, no matter how good they are, can't have any valid social skills and probably has very few reasons to live. Hey, dumbass: you will never meet Garbage, Shirley Manson will never know your name, and you will never get to tell them how relevant their songs are to your life. Also, if you are willing to leave your house because your ten year old sister is treated better than you you will never make it anywhere. Life isn't fair. For instance, fun, attractive people will always be treated much better than ugly walruses with no social skills like you.

User: ihateeveryone
General Tone: Lamely counterculturalist, self-pitying, mixed with a touch of junior high drama.
Empty Suicide Threat?: No, but a call for self-institutionalization.
Life Sucks Because: His "deggo" family (I prefer dirty wop) is crazy and mean, the popular girls make fun of him and some girl he likes.
Bad Poetry/Song Lyrics?: Thankfully no.
Personal Favorite Quote?: It's too long to paste, but take a gander at the July 2nd instant messenger conversation with the "popular girl". Hi-Larious. On so many levels.
This Person Needs to be Euthanized Because: He seems to think that his social non-conformity is simply something the popular girls don't understand because they are too concerned with their clothes. But here's tha magical secret: Even if you are the biggest dork in the world, by following accepted social norms and not being a dick, you too can move your way up the popularity ladder. It's so easy! Just don't be an intentionally weird asshole. Different-That's okay. Weird asshole-Not acceptable. But I'm sure that this guy will not heed my advice and continue on his present course throughout the rest of his life and die an early, lonely death.

What have we learned today? People need to just cheer the fuck up and stop being such gloomy assholes. Christ. I was akward in my teen years too (shit, I'm still plenty akward), but I sucked it up and didn't wear white pancake makeup and listen to Skinny Puppy. Your route to happiness in not being unpopular on purpose.