An Open Letter to Hollywood

Normally, Hollywood, I would not address you personally, but I know you've been going through some hard times since the beginning of the summer, and I'm here to help you out. It's been a difficult year, I know, but you've brought it upon yourself. I'm not here to give you a hug and make you feel better, I'm here to give you a swift kick in the nards and tell you to get your shit in order. Box office receipts are down, less and less people are going to the theaters, movies presumed to be big hits are flopping miserably, and let's be honest, you have no one but yourself to blame.

Hollywood, you have spent too many years assuming that people will buy tickets to movies just because they pander to your choice demographics. You keep believing that males aged 12-25 are going to go see Supercross: The Movie because it's got hot chicks and fast bikes, regardless of the quality of the film. But I've got news for you, Hollywood. Males aged 12-25 aren't as stupid as you might think. Sometimes, they realize when they're being pandered to, and they realize that what you're putting out is crap, even if it does have hot chicks and fast bikes. People have plenty of TV and Internet where they can see that. The same goes for the ladies. Sure, a few misguided souls dragged their significant others to see Hitch , surely causing a precipitous rise in domestic violence levels, but again, it wasn't the box office hit you hoped. And how many more lame romantic comedies will it take before you realize that you can't guarantee an audience by putting together two wackily mismatched celebrities who fall deeply in love after a series of fortunate coincidences. Just remember that for every nominally successful Hitch , there's a pile of worthless, predictable bombs like Must Love Dogs, or Monster-in-Law. Is Hitch any better than those movies? Good lord no. Hollywood, you just got lucky that time, and if you keep making the same goddamned movie with the presumption that love starved single women and attached women who hate their boyfriends will keep filing in to the theaters, your luck is going to run out.

Also, Hollywood, you need to stop relying on existing franchises and intellectual properties, just because you think people will go to any movie with the Fantasic Four in it, or, god forbid, yet another hopelessly masturbatory Star Wars movie. The reason people enjoy sequels and movie versions of comics and novels is because they like the stories and characters. But when you throw that out in favor of rote franchise milking with no reverence for the original material, people aren't going to be thrilled. Did we need two more Matrix movies that had no respect for what made the first one good? Do you really have to retool the Fantastic Four characters to appeal to a younger audience at the expense of the author's (much better) vision? Batman Begins got it right this time, but remember the nipple suit-clad George Clooney of Batman and Robin? Keep defiling people's favorite stories and characters, and the movie going public will never trust you again.

Now, Hollywood, I'm not saying that every film you make has to be Citizen Kane. I like B-movies as much as the next guy, but make the B-movie fun again, rather than the overbudgeted, overwrought, product-placement filled dreck you've been putting out every summer. The Island fit squarely in the territory of delightful schlock film, but it was critically panned, and nobody went to see it. But why? It had explosions, hot actors, and even a reasonable story. I point to the moments in the movie that existed solely to hawk Michelob Ultra, Aquafina, and Puma.   People like being advertised to even less than they like being pandered to. Remember when you used to make fun slasher movies and entertaining fare of questionable merit starring Kurt Russel? Do that! You don't have to make good movies, and you don't have to make smart movies. You just have to make movies that don't cross the line into the realm of insulting.

Yes, Hollywood. There are people who will see any movie that has Tom Cruise in it. There are people who will see anything with fast cars and explosions. There are people who will still go to that new Star Wars flick no matter who it's got in it. But you can't assume that the population of pathologically tasteless moviegoers will always exist, and continue to grow. Now that you've got stiff competition for America's entertainment dollars, you need to realize that you need to get back to regularly putting out at least a semi-compelling product. I'm pulling for you, Hollywood, but I can't help you if you don't help yourself.