Livejournal Roundup:
Insane Clown Posse Fans
Developmentally stunted man-children Shaggy 2 Dope and
Violent J have developed quite the following of mentally
deficient faux-nonconformist preteens over the years
through their band the Insane Clown Posse. The Insane Clown
Posse, also known as "ICP", or "sophomoric shock-rock that
makes Gwar sound like Mussorgsky", play terrible rap rock,
dress up like evil (read: retarded) clowns, and spray
people with discount store favorite Faygo soda, but
interestingly have an uncannily pied piperesque way of
drawing socially awkward, below average, and especially
unattractive twelve to eighteen year olds into their rabid
fanbase. While it would be as easy as getting Tara Reid to
expose a boob to make fun of the wacky antics of our
friends Shaggy and J, today, we are here to make fun of
their fans, the perennially amusing (but in a sad way)
clown army calling themselves "Juggalos".
I still remember in some Com Arts class I took, we had to
watch a video called "Cool Hunters", in which some poor,
misguided soul went out in search of the hip new thing by
going to an ICP show. Lady, you have a better chance of
finding a Bar Mitzvah with a pig roast than you have of
finding cool at an ICP show. Let's run down the list of
crimes perpetrated by ICP fans.
- Combining the worst fashion sensibilities of goths and...clowns
- Idolizing a pair of gentlemen who absolutely cannot have had more than an eighth grade education
- Supporting a band that supports backyard wrestling
- Wasting perfectly good Faygo
- Buying into some bullshit mythology involving carnivals and cards and the devil joker and an assortment of other crazy crap
- Using not just the word "Juggalo", but the even less fortunate female equivalent "juggalette"
- Not realizing rap-rock died out with Crazy Town
A reminder to those who don't recall my last Livejournal Roundup, this is how it works. Livejournal lets you search by username, and so I guess predictable nicknames for ICP fans. Like Goths in my last one of these articles, they did not fail to conform to my stereotypes. Also, to expand my search horizons, I went to people who were listed as friends of the names I guessed, but only if they had clearly ICP related names. Now, let us hear the kind words of these juggalos and juggalettes, straight from the angsty preteen clown's mouth.
User: icpjuggalo
General Tone: Angsty as a motherfucker, really clingy towards his so-called girlfriend who is more than likely fat.
Obligatory ICP Fellatio: Not really. He is defined by being a juggalo, but has parlayed it into a lifestyle that he doesn't need ICP for.
Are you Alienated by your Love for ICP?: Yes. His girlfriend is a juggalette, and, his only friends and people he can associate with are juggalos. Thank god he'll never try to hang out with us normals.
Personal Favorite Quote: "where did the fucking diamond rain go, cause whats fallin on my head is nothing but hard black coal. well im heart broken....amber my shine has been talk with some other guy. not just some other guy but the same one she hooked up with in a druken stuper the night after she found out that i had cheated. i wasnt/am not mad about them hooking up that night, it wasnt the best thing she could have done but after how i hurt i cannot blame her for that." Yeah, yeah, you whiny tool. Whoever slept with her probably wanted revenge on his penis. I hope you get the herp. Girls named Amber are either fat white trash or strippers.
This Person Should be Euthanized Because: Do we really need this much poorly articulated angst from a self-proclaimed D-student? That, and he might reproduce. Though he does explain about how he just got his motorcycle license and loves the danger, so maybe there will be mercy upon humanity in the form of a drunk driver and take him out of the genepool, removing the need for me to do it.
User: no1juggalo
General Tone: Solidly angsty, largely illiterate. Seriously. It looks like he's typing on one of those foreign keyboards where all the letters are changed around.
Obligatory ICP Fellatio: Two separate posts espousing Violent J for president? I should say so. "what up yall i jest got to say that it coud happen but we need you do make it hapen so we can finly see the juggalos in POWER". Sir, I think you underestimate the voting power of the non-retarded demographic.
Are you Alienated by your Love for ICP?: Yes. His love for ICP knows no bounds, and he is not afraid to offend others to show it. In fact, he clown-painted his face for homecoming, and, in his words " i got kickt ouy for more than one person geting freek out ha ha ha it's not my falt if thay are afrade of clown's or is it?" Is it, indeed.
Personal Favorite Quote: "all my frands hate me and the girl i can most about whent to a foot ball game and hade sex with some guy she didnt even know what the fuck! i meen rely my life is going to shit hell its olny a mater of time befor the people here on live journal hate me to so what the fuck i think it time to end this life bust of lick to all of you in the fucher"
This Person Should be Euthanized Because: It should be law that anyone who is 19 and still writes like this should be put to a swift state-sponsored death. Maybe if I vote Violent J in 2008, they can help me out. !!!!VLIENT J FOR PRESADENT IN 2008!!!. And yes, that's an actual quote as well.
User: icp_cutter
General Tone: Waxing philosophical about her self-abuse.
Obligatory ICP Fellatio: ICP is never even mentioned, but I love teenagers who claim to cut themselves for attention then talk about it in their Livejournals, so she was included anyways.
Are you Alienated by your Love for ICP?: See above.
Personal Favorite Quote: " I'm really thinking of maybe cutting a couple of times before going to my volunteer work at the vets, just so I don't freak out there." I don't know if this is funnier if she's volunteering at a veterinarian or for veterans. Actually, it's pretty hilarious either way.
This Person Should be Euthanized Because: With any luck, she'll do it herself.
User: juggalojeff420
General Tone: Profoundly illiterate, and always addressed to "hun", whom he loves. Deeply.
Obligatory ICP Fellatio: It's the only things he ever says he's listening to, but if there's more than that, I wouldn't be able to decipher it anyways.
Are you Alienated by your Love for ICP?: I think he's more alienated by his lack of ability to use the English language.
Personal Favorite Quote: It's a toss-up between "hun i am sorry i havent called you i miss you so much i read you last entery i am upsat with you i dont whant you to hert your self i will i need to see you i fell so bad well g2g i love you with all my hert" or possibly "life sux i am stil singil hather think i tolld avery one tham we did a lot of thing a nd we didnt to bad end i fined out some punk ass bitch is tell her romers i will hunt you dowen a chop you up with a hachit". Honestly, I'm not even sure how to respond to that.
This Person Should be Euthanized Because: Maybe he shouldn't be euthanized. If he talks like he writes, I would be perfectly happy to see this person in a tattered coat, jabbering on a street corner somewhere. "Oh, that's just some of the local flavor, old Juggalo Jeff. He's harmless, he just wants a quarter."
User: thewikkidklown
General Tone: Painfully mundane and extremely lame. Hey, that kinda rhymed. Perhaps I have a future in the lucrative field of rap-rock.
Obligatory ICP Fellatio: The kid lives for ICP merchandise, so I'll say yes. Also, he seems to be espousing the gospel of ICP to his pathologically impressionable friends.
Are you Alienated by your Love for ICP?: Not really, but he seems to believe shopping at hot topic for ICP paraphernalia makes him a true individual. He also seems to think that ICP is so underground that he would never, ever be able to find a ringtone. If you want an ICP ringtone, just smash your phone into your forehead when it rings as hard as you can and you should be able to simulate the experience pretty well.
Personal Favorite Quote: "Thank god it is the weekend today was pretty cool. I was able to make it out to the mall today and shelbywanted me to help her get some ICP shirts at hottopic but she din't like any of them but liked the calm hoodie they had there but she didn't have enough money so I gave her 20$ so she could buy it. Then we came back and I let shelby listen to my Wraith Shangri La CD. And later we went to Best Buy to see if they sold ICP cd's there and they do so she bought the Great Milenko and before I left I bought her a juggalette patch. and then my mom came so we could go pick up my sister from work. And thats it." I don't think this Shelby needs your help to become an insufferable tool.
This Person Should be Euthanized Because: "Umm, I'm a Juggalo I have been fro about 3 years going on 4. And I play DDR." I think that pretty much says it all.
User: juggalo
General Tone: Very "I'm 15 and my life is hard", with a touch of deep thought.
Obligatory ICP Fellatio: Surprisingly, none. What uses the name "juggalo" then admits to listening to Ja Rule? I'm surprised the cognitive dissonance isn't exploding her head.
Are you Alienated by your Love for ICP?: Love for Ja Rule should be alienating you much more.
Personal Favorite Quote: "so ok anyway....this kid his name is curt and he really said something that was just the coolest thing i've ever heard. well you see aaron got suspendid like a week aor two ago. He got in a fight. but he didnt start it. but since he hit this asshole back, he got in trouble also. so anyway curt is friends with aaron. and me n curt were sitting in german talking. and he says to me....afganistan bombed us so we bombed back......but they say to us two wrongs dont make a right. so when this kid hit aaron....aaron hit him back but no thats not the right thing to do....but we are just setting a bad example. i dont know i thought it was pure genius when i heard it but its been a couple of days and plus my memory just really sux major ass." Such a deep knowledge of geopolitics for such a young girl. Kissinger would be proud.
This Person Should be Euthanized Because: She describes her and her friends comparing how punk they are, while listing Blink 182 and A New Found Glory as favorite bands. " The one chick turned around and asked Kris if she looked punk....(wearing a taproot huddie)ummmm ya of course". Also for not being a huge ICP tool despite the username "juggalo", which is a disappointment, even though she doesn't need them to be a moron.
Truly, these ICP fans are gods among men. With any luck, I will be sent death threats (as juggalos are apparently prone to doing), and you had better believe I'll post those too. Thank you, Insane Clown Posse, for creating what you create. It will give us years of entertainment in the form of fat, pasty, makeup-clad losers.