Shitty Mall
Stores
A Tribute
I, like everyone else who lives in Minnesota makes the
regular trip to the Mall of America, not really to buy
anything, just to see the spectacle. And what a spectacle
it is. It's packed full of all manner of stores, some which
justify a trip inside, and some which no one but Japanese
tourists have any business going in. This article is about
those ignored stores, which even I didn't go in, but just
took pictures of from outside. By the time you read this,
the novelty of the mall will have worn off, and you will
have no reason to go unless you really need some crazy
magnets or perhaps farm toys.
Al's Farm Toys: Who
the hell needs farm toys?
I am convinced that parents who don't buy their kids
reasonable toys should be shipped off to prison for child
abuse. Kids want guns and ninjas, not tractors and cows and
combines and shit. The only possible market I see for this
place is redneck families who think that the Mall of
America has the same vacation potential as Disneyland,
which it doesn't. Yee-Haw, Billie Jane Steve Bob! Let's go
git us some of them little toy tractorses! The 30 or so
kids we've got will love 'em! Go to fucking Wal-Mart and
get your damn plastic barns. I'm gonna go find Al and kick
him in the balls. No one needs a store full of farm toys.
Score: 4/10 for being useless, but not particularly
offensive.
The San Francisco
Music Box Co: What the Fuck?
This is even more retarded than the farm toy store. Toys
are toys, even if farm toys are really stupid. But music
boxes? Who the fuck wants a music box? Not even a misguided
redneck grandmother (like mine) would buy a music box for
anyone. I can't think of anyone who would buy a music box,
especially at the mall. If this store does any business at
all I'm shooting myself. People must be dumber in San
Francisco. A whole store full of music boxes. Christ.
Whoever started this is poor now. I can't think of any use
for one except a giant, overpriced paperweight that plays
annoying music.
Score: 3/10, unless you can find me a music box that plays
the greatest pop hits of the 80's.
Irish Indeed!: You're
Irish! No one gives a shit!
Hey, that's a nice shirt, does it come in blue? Anyone
who announces their heritage by buying a "kiss me I'm
irish" shirt should be stabbed. I'm plenty irish and this
store is a disgrace to my lineage. And seriously, why is it
just irish? Why are there no Superbly Swahili or Finnish
Fun stores? Unless they sell Guiness merchandise, don't go
in this store. Even if you are Irish. Unless you're drunk
(which you probably are, because you're Irish).
Score: 2/10, for making me hate my lineage.
Magnet Max: Raise the
self-esteem of your fridge.
Yeah, everyone needs magnets a some point. Gotta put
your kid's shitty drawings on the fridge and whatnot. But a
whole store full of wacky magnets to give your kitchen some
character? No. If your only form of artistic expression is
putting goofy crap on your refrigerator, you need a life.
Go to target and spend two bucks on some nondescript
magnets. And what's really appalling is how many people are
in there. I guess they just need that one magnet that truly
expresses who they are.
Score: 2/10, because you can get a non-retarded magnet
anywhere.
Stamp Away: I'll
stamp you!
Stamps are for accountants and receptionists in places
of business, not for your pathetic arts and crafts
projects. God help you if you put a little doggie stamp on
your stationery. If you have to buy a stamp, it should be
one that just says "REJECTED" in big capital letters. If I
had one, I would print the above picture and stamp rejected
on it, but they don't sell that stamp, so I'm shit out of
luck. They also sell special paper to stamp on. Yes, that's
right, special paper. Dipshits.
Score: 1/10 for being completely moronic and not having a
rejected stamp.
The Calico Chile
Traders: Tastes Like Burning!
I detest anyone who likes to show the size of their
balls by eating incredibly painful hot sauce. "Gee, not
only does this sauce make my food inedible, it causes me
severe pain too!" It also sells various stupid chili pepper
accessories like aprons that say "kiss me for a severe
burning sensation" and chili patterned vomit buckets.
Score: 2/10 for making normal food unpalatable
The Rainforest Cafe:
And they don't even serve monkey.
While you might be hoping that the Rainforest cafe is an
establishment where you get to eat delicious and exotic
endangered species, it is in fact a shitty culinary
"adventure" where you get to eat glorified Perkins food
while surrounded by fake leaves and animal noises. Anyone
who takes their white trash family here hoping to have a
new and exciting dining experience will be sorely
disappointed. Throw a bunch of wacky jungle shit and an
overpriced gift shop in Denny's and you'll have the same
damn restaurant.
Score: 1/10 because I could go to Perkins and sit by the
fake plant for the same effect.
Minnesot-ah!: (Holds
gun to head) BLAM!
Minnesota is a good state. I won't argue that. But this
store emphasizes the absolute worst qualities about it. Who
gives a shit about lakes and loons? Not I. The cities are
great, but as soon as you leave them everything turns to
ass. You ever been to Stark, or Jordan, or Sleepy Eye? No,
and there's a reason for that. Because they are little shit
towns. I don't see any IDS center statues or posters of
Loring Park. That's all that's worth mentioning in this
state, and Minnesot-Ah! completely neglects all of it. Add
that to the fact that this store is in the Mall of America
in the first place (another thing that makes this state
suck) and you are going to give the Japanese tourists the
wrong impression.
Score: 0/10 for making my state look bad.
Pro Motorsports: Hope
for an explosion, just like real racing.
I know people say that one shouldn't generalize, but I'm
gonna (as if I haven't been the whole article). People who
like NASCAR, and especially people who would be willing to
buy NASCAR merchandise, are rednecks. So here it is.
Redneck central. I honestly don't know what they sell in
here, and I don't even want to. All I know is that it's
related to racing, and therefore I should not go in. All I
can do is stand back and hope it explodes, just like real
racing.
Score: 0/10 for being associated with NASCAR.
Cereal Adventure: The
same damn adventure I have EVERY MORNING.
This may be the single stupidest thing that mankind has
ever produced. And that includes pet rocks and dog
clothing. I've never been inside because it costs money,
but I can only imagine the nightmare within. Or maybe not a
nightmare, probably just a lot of cereal. It's not even a
themepark. It serves to educate kids about the life of your
breakfast cereal, as well as feed them large amounts of
high fructose corn syrup so they spaz and make their
parents buy stupid shit like a cereal box with their
picture on it. I can only imagine the retarded General
Mills executive who squoze out this bastard child of a
marketing idea. The cereal aisle st the grocery store is
better marketing than this. Just shut up and eat it. It's
not a goddam adventure. It's just a part of a nutritious
breakfast, stupid.
Score: 0/10, because cereal IS NOT AN ADVENTURE! EVER!
This is not all the crappy stores in the mall. Not even
close. Probably a good 90% of the stores there should be
closed, boarded up, set on fire, and urinated on. But alas,
they must make some small amount of money, because the damn
things are still open, and multiplying like mormon
cockroaches. Do me a favor, and don't go to any of these
places for the rest of your life. Unless you move to Japan,
in which case you can visit as a japanese tourist and spend
your fool head off.