MaterialismFest
2003
A Tribute to the Things I Own
As a person living in this modern world of ATMs, dollar
menus, and road rage, I have a compelling urge to buy. My
brain tells me to buy, TV tells me to buy, and for the sake
of saving this country from going down the shitter, the
governemt tells me to buy. So, what's a consumer like
myself to do? BUY! Buy everything in sight! This page is
devoted to shameless consumerism, and my own special
American Dream where money can buy happines. And believe
me, it does, because I'm broke and sad. With that, I bring
you to my number one possession:
Emily
This is Emily, my girlfriend. I own her, and she's my
property. Hahaha! Misogyny is fun! Hating women is cool and
hip like light-up shoes and Hot Topic! No, really folks,
she's great. (But if you don't hear from me in a few days,
she's probably stabbed me.)
No, I kid. This article is not about my fleshy human
propery, like the small Honduran boy who sleeps in my
closet and repairs my shoes. He does good work, what with
his tiny hands and all. No, this article is about inanimate
property, like my robotic Honduran boy who keeps the real
one in line. So, here is my most important non-human
possession:
The Computer
My laptop is the child with the 12" screen I never had.
Or want. I hate children. It's one of those hot little
PowerMac G4 numbers, and it was all paid for by the fine
people at the insurance company after my old laptop was
stolen by one of my brother's hoodlum friends with no
future. Now, it sits proudly on my desk with all of its
accessory friends, including the bomb-ass wireless mouse,
the non-functioning PDA, the mysterious glowing blue knob,
and the iPod that was given to me by insanely rich
neighbors for graduation. If you like buying things, or
having things bought for you, I highly recommend finding
some socially inept rich people in need of friends. I also
have a digital camera (not pictured, because I'm taking the
picture with it, stupid). But yes, the computer is not only
a tool, but a little friend that comes with me everywhere
and entertains me when I'm bored. Like during econ. Where
I'm writing this right now. And not listening to the
lecture about game theory. Fuck. Damn you computer. Damn
you and your wily, distracting charms! My computer may help
me fail everything, but my next thing is more dangerous:
The TV and Videogames
Without videogames and TV, I would have graduated from
college by now, be making millions of dollars, and have a
custom built robotic exoskeleton whith which I would have
taken over the world. Videogames are the reason you all are
not my slaves. Years of my life down the shitter due to the
warm glow of sweet, sweet TV and videogames. They are a
plague on most males my age, and I, for one, will often
happily forego school, hygiene, and social interactions for
just a few more minutes of (insert game here).
I've got a 20" Sony Wega TV, (does anyone know if it's
pronounced wega or vega? because I sure as hell don't) a
Gamecube, and a PS2, and soon an XBOX, because I'm trading
someone my shitty semi-functional Clie for it. In addition
to that, I've got a nice little pile of games going.
I've owned a grip more games than this, but I have only
recently gotten over my urge to sell games to have money to
buy new ones. It's like a heroin addiction. As soon as I
get a temporary fix, I need more. Ask anyone I have ever
known, and they will tell you that I have been very close
to selling my fluids and organs for more video games.
Man... I sure would like to play right now... NO! I will
resist your evil grasp! You stay away from me! It's a
battle in my head all the time of good vs. evil, work vs.
lazyness, soul crushing boredom vs. fun. Allleeeexxx...
Play us... Even worse is the Game Boy, because I can play
it in class. That caused me some problems last semester,
but I have been successfully able to leave it at home overy
day so far this term! Go Me!
I've also got a big pile of DVDs that depresses me whenever
I think about how much they all cost. The current count is
78. At least I know that if I had nothing better so do, I
could be entertained at least a solid six days straight.
Here's a picture of the drawerful:
There are a whole lot of good movies in there, as well as
quite a few shitty ones. Many of them have been watched
drunk many times, while some have never been viewed,
purchased only to make me look cool. Eh, there's only a few
of those. Really. I'm actually cool. Eventually I'm gonna
do a list of my top 10 movies of all time, but not now, and
not soon.
The Tiny Car
This may be the best toy I've ever owned. It's a remote
control car, only tiny. Really tiny. Like 2 inches long. I
recommend everyone go out and buy one of these so I can
race you and crush you beneath my tiny wheels, because I am
the tiny racing champion. Unfortunately, my tiny car is
currently in the tiny shop because one of its tiny tires is
missing.
It's so awsome that words cannot describe it, only sound,
and that sound is so beautiful that your head will explode
upon hearing it. Just go buy one and make yourself happy.
Bobo the Photography
Robot
He's the little plastic keychain robot that hangs off my
digital camera. He's the shit. He may also be some sort of
lucky charm or evil talisman, but I'm not sure, because he
doesn't like to talk about it.
Jesus, Spiderman, and
the Pile of Ramen
Here you can see Soft Spiderman and Rolling Jesus
protecting my cache of delicious imported ramen. As you can
see, Spiderman is way bigger than Jesus, which
automatically makes him cooler, and also tougher. Spiderman
would whup jesus's ass any day of the week. Unless we're
talking zombie jesus. That guy is badass. Regardless of
their relative toughness, they both guard my precious stash
of forgein ramen, made by genuine asian people. I rarely
eat it because it's a pain in the ass to make, but when I
do, my strengh and sexual prowess increase tenfold. Those
asians are great. Buying imported food is like buying
fireworks. Everything has colorful packages in different
languages, and it's all potentially deadly.
The Fish With No
Names
These little guys (circles for clarity) were recently
acquired through Emily's employee discount at Petsmart.
They will be dead within two weeks. See, I've already
managed to kill two goldfish through no discernable fault
of my own, meaning these three little guys are on their way
out. That's why I didn't give them names. You don't get
personally acquainted with anything you know will be dead
soon. Get a good look at 'em, because they won't be around
for long. Maybe I'll do an article about the funeral. Then,
I'll go buy more, and they'll die, and so on. It's the
circle of life kind of.
That's it. Pretty much everything I own for the purposes of
entertainment. Sure, I own clothes and toothpase and stuff,
but those are neccessities, not fun stuff. An article about
neccessities would be boring and shitty, but only slightly
shittier than this article. I hope I have convinced you
that going out and buying things is good for your
happiness.