How to Give Yourself Cancer and Look Damn Fine Doing So
Smoking is a much maligned habit in the America of today. Once, it was cool. Now, as far as I can tell in my infinite social wisdom, it is not. Smokers are the only remaining demographic actively discriminated against. Can you imagine how it would feel to be a nail-biter, or a leg-tapper, or a smack addict, and only be allowed to indulge in your innocent habit outdoors, twenty-five feet away from the entrance to any government buildings? The ACLU would be up in arms. But alas, such is the plight of the modern smoker. This guide will teach you everything you need to know about smoking, and how to look so cool doing it that people can't help but take notice, and maybe, god willing, take up smoking themselves.
So, you've decided to start smoking.
Before you start, there are a few prerequisites:
- It's not a bad idea to be 18 first. Don't let being a minor stop you, but often adults will look down on a 12 year old asking them to buy smokes. Looking old will do.
- Your family and friends WILL disapprove, but stick with it! Minds can change, but coolness never does.
- Cancer happens, but by the time you get it your youth will be so far gone that you probably won't even care.
Selecting your brand
The brand you choose to smoke says a lot about you, and you sure as hell don't want it to say the wrong thing. The basic breakdown of types goes like this: Girl Cigarettes, Boy Cigarettes, and Fancy Cigarettes. Here's a little primer of some of the best to start with, but feel free to explore.
Boy Cigarettes - Also can be smoked by girls with something to prove:
- Marlboro Reds: The original cowboy killers. The manliest smokes in town. Says about you, "I'm going to die and I don't give a shit". For rugged individualists and lasso wielding wildmen. For a lighter flavor, try Marlboro no. 27.
- Camel Filters: A middle of the road brand, for a man who likes a strong cigarette, but doesn't want to be too conspicuous about it.
- Camel Lights: Actually okay for guys to smoke. The mark of someone who is not a serious smoker, but still demands respect.
- Winstons: Only NASCAR fans need apply, because those are the only people I've seen with them. I assume they are manly.
- Kamel Reds: A strong, and slightly hipper smoke. Probably skews more towards a younger demographic.
- Lucky Strikes: What is this, World War II?
Girl Cigarettes-Also can be smoked by effeminate men:
- Marlboro Lights: Very light, a free and easy smoke to have with the girls. A girl won't get flak about these, but god help you if you're a dude with a pack of Marb lights.
- Camel Lights: Okay for girls too. Not much of a statement, but a sign of a girl who appreciates a good cigarette and is still looking for some flavor.
- Parliament Lights: Mostly for preppy, sorority type girls. I don't know why, but that's my observation.
- Mistys, Capris, Virginia Slims etc.: Also known as bitch sticks. For the middle-aged secretary type. No self-respecting male will ever smoke these. Ever.
- Salems: The female equivalent of Winstons. WAY white-trash.
Fancy Cigarettes:
- American Spirits: Mostly for those of your wanting to make some sort of anti-corporate political statement. Still delicious, but often associated with those of a more hippie persuasion.
- Dunhills, Gauloises, Benson & Hedges, etc.: Fancy and expensive foreign cigarettes. Can be cool, can be eurotrash. Excellent taste, but tread carefully.
- Cloves: You really need to know what you're doing to smoke these. Associated with the nonconformist crowd. Goths, glam rockers, art people, etc.
- Newports, Kools: Made for fitting into stereotypes. If you are black, or white and want to be black, tradition says you should smoke these. I don't understand the stereotype either.
There are a large number of brands out there. Try and find one that really reflects you as a person. Go nuts, but follow this rule: If it costs less that $2.50 (six bucks in New York) a pack, don't bite.
Proper Technique
So you've chosen your brand, now it's high time to light one up. But there are a few things you should know. First, Cigarettes go in the mouth. Putting them elsewhere in funny exactly once.
There is no easier way to look like an amateur smoker than
trying to light the cigarette without putting it in your
mouth. Observe this simple diagram:
After your cigarette is lit, observe these simple steps,
and MAKE SURE TO INHALE! You don't want want anyone
thinking you're a pussy-ass chump, do you?
1. Put cigarette in mouth
2. Suck on cigarette
3. Remove from mouth, and INHALE
4. Dramatically pause
5. Exhale
6. Repeat as needed, tapping when necessary
Many people also have different ideas about how to actually
hold their cigarette. Here are some do's and don'ts.
Do's:
The Standard: Hold between index and middle fingers
The Travolta: Like the standard, but cram it as far down as
possible between your fingers
The Pinch: Hold between thumb and index finger
Don'ts:
The Joint: Pinch between thumb and index finger, with the
other fingers spread in the air (like smoking a joint, or
so I've been told)
The Spock: Hold between middle and ring fingers. I can't
think of any compelling reason for anyone to do this.
The Cigarette Extender: Who the fuck do you think you are,
Elizabeth Taylor?
A Few Extra Tips so you don't Look Dumb:
Don't make stupid faces when exhaling. I used to do this,
before someone pointed out I looked like a dumbass. (maybe
not exactly as pictured, I hope)
Don't be a redneck. Take the damn cigarette out of your
mouth once in a while. Don't let it flop around your lips
like a flaccid cock on a marathon runner.
Smoking more than one cigarette at a time is never a good
idea. Ever.
Smoke rings are an advanced technique only, because it's
really, really easy to look not even a little bit cool. In
fact unless you're James fucking Bond it's never that cool.
Don't be like me and drop your cigarette all the damn time
and look like an ass.
Also don't be like me and put your half-smoked cigarette
out in an ashtray outdoors, go eat, buy more smokes, jerk
off in the bathroom of your local titty bar, etc. then come
outside again, pick up the cigarette from the ashtray,
relight it, and continue to smoke it. Not classy. Frugal,
but definetly not classy.
Smoking Etiquette:
Most people think that smoking is a filthy, rude habit.
These people are jerkoffs and should have cigarettes put
out on their collective eyeballs. However, as Johnny Law
doesn't appreciate burning embers in his eye, and you want
to keep some friends (and not be pummeled by people in the
street), there are some rules of smoking etiquette you
should follow.
Where to Smoke:
If it says "No Smoking," you probably shouldn't smoke
there. If there's no sign, but no one else is smoking, you
probably ought to ask. If it says "Smoking Permitted,"
which I have only seen once in my life, go for it, cowboy.
If you're in somebody else's place, ask, unless they're
smoking. If you're outdoors, don't take shit from ANYBODY.
It's not their fucking air. They can leave if they don't
like it. I don't care if you're smoking next to a
four-year-old in an iron lung. As long as they're outside,
fuck 'em. It's your right, dammit. Obviously, don't smoke
at the funeral of a victim of lung cancer. Even if it is
outside.
On Ashing:
I still struggle with this one. After 24 hours, I have an
approximately one-foot radius halo of carbon bits around
the ashtray. Ashing all over the place will win you no
friends, especially at a restaurant, when you flick your
cigarette in somebody's cheeseburger. Just be careful, and
keep it in the ashtray, buddy.
Smoke Blowing:
Blowing smoke in someone's face usually makes you a jerk.
However, it can be turned to your advantage to score some
serious cool points. Just shot someone's argument down in
flames, or maybe delivered the best burn ever, leaving the
victim totally speechless? Try this: take a nice, long
drag, and slowly blow it in their face. Cool points plus
50. Don't overuse this powerful maneuver, however. A little
bit goes a long way. Smoke can be blown on assholes at any
time.
Bummming:
People run out of cigarettes. As tragic as it is, it
happens. There's no shame in bumming a smoke from time to
time. The rule, however, is that you must also bum to
others. It's karma, or some other hippy new age bullshit.
The only exception is if you're on your last one. Then
hoard away.
Butts:
I get shit for throwing my cigarette butts. But you know
what? Fuck you. Don't throw them in a trash can, that'll
start a damn fire. Does cement start on fire? No. Unless
there's an ashtray, throw it on the ground. Unless you're
inside, stupid.
That should pretty much get you started on the way to
becoming a good smoker. Start light, just a few smokes a
week, and I promise that you'll be up to a pack a day in no
time! And remember, smokers need to stick together. Stand
tall, and don't let anyone give you shit about your
"filthy" and "dangerous" habit. Just remember, you're only
young and invincible once.