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Toys R This Guy!
A Tribute to my Toys

Inside my cynical, bitter, rock-hard twenty year old body, there lives a joy-filled, idealistic, doughy twelve year old boy. Hundreds, nay thousands of my precious dollars have been spent on various little plastic men, all of which have a special place in my heart like cholestorol. I keep a special shelf of all my toys, which is there to always remind me that the day I grow up and hate toys will be the day will be the day I become a billionaire because I don't have anything to spend my money on.

Tetsuo

I'm sure someone who reads this has seen Akira before. This is Tetsuo, the bad guy, who turns into a slurry of metal and man-parts (note the arm) for some reason, eventually turning into a giant meat-baby who fills a stadium. He is lovingly modeled from that kinda soft plastic-rubber that smells really goood when you open the package. He also has a little wussy robot arm that he created in the movie after his regular arm got shot off with a damn laser, but the tenatacle arm is way cooler. Boy I wish I could do that. Eh, maybe not if it meant I had to wear the grey sweatsuit and cape. Damn you, 80's japanese fashion.

Liam

It's very difficult to even know what to say about Liam here. He's part of Mattel's appalingly bad "Flavas" line of Barbie-sized dolls. It's a series of dolls with that stupid fly hip-hop ghetto flava. Word. He's 12 full inches of "I wish I was black". His skinny white ass comes with all sorts of ghetto-fabulous accessories, including and faux starter jacket, payless adidas, b-ball jersey, two-way pager, record bag (apparently he's a DJ!), and of course, the #1 bling. Also, if you look very closely, he has a little white boy crustache painted on his lip, which completes the effect. He truly is the Vanilla Ice of the toy universe. I can't even believe Mattel let this whole series of toys get out the door without somebody protesting. All the dolls are the most blatant racial and cultural stereotypes you could imagine. It's got black girls with weaves named things like LaShonda dressed in hooker clothes. It would be blatantly racist if it weren't for the fact that there all dolls of every race decked out in the finest of ghetto fashion. Spike Lee would be appalled. Be sure to check out flavas.com, which contains classy lines such as "You GOT to make our nails look funky fresh!", and "Welcome to da FlavaHood!" I especially like "Check out these fly raps y'all!" I don't usually cry institutional racism, but wow. Nothing like teaching your kids that urban fasion automatically equates with the so-called "thug life". I sound like a retarded first-year sociology student. Side note: This is technically Emily's toy. I would never shell out twelve clams for it, but it amuses me none the less.

Daruma

Not a toy you can actually play with very easily, but pretty cool regardless. A buddy of mine brought it back for me from Japan a bunch of years ago, and this way it works is this: You draw in one pupil when you set a goal, then when you complete the goal, you draw in the other one. If I recall, my goal was to pork some girl, because I was a pathetic, needy adolescent who needed any sort of mysticism he could get his hands on to get any actions. A few years of still not getting any and becoming less retarded later, I decided I didn't give a shit, so I drew the other one in so it didn't look stupid. Now it sits on the toy shelf, staring at me with its pupil-filled eyes of unfulfilled dreams. Sigh.

Rainbow Cat/Dog

Here's another odd one. It also comes from japan, and no, it's not for gay pride. It's a rainbow animal body with two interchangable rainbow heads, either cat or dog, depending on your fancy. I'm not entirely sure what to say about it. Very impressionistic. It's part of a whole series that has all sorts of different colors, but you can't tell from the outside of the box, and I, unfortunately, got the very uncool rainbow one. But it could be worse. I could've gotten the one covered in naked pictures of Oprah. Just kidding, that doesn't exist, and as long as blood courses through my body never will. You can find this wacky toy and many other wacky toys like it at kidrobot.com.

Jesus 'n' Lionel Hutz Kickin' it atop the Lincoln Monument

This picture is actually three toys in one, because I'm lazy and didn't want to take two more pictures. On the left you have the savior of all mankind in action figure form, the original superjew, Jesus. He has poseable arms and gliding action wheels. On the right is Attourney Lionel Hutz of Simpsons fame, who includes briefcase, smoking monkey, businesscard that turns into a sponge, and degree in Lawology from the Knight School of Law. They stand perched atop a tiny balsa wood Lincoln Monument, which Emily bought from Walgreens for a buck and had great difficulty assembling. Why the arrangement of the figures as they are? Perhaps I'm making a subtle commentary about how religion and legalism trump freedom. Or perhaps I'm saying plastic is better than balsa wood. Or perhaps they just look nice standing there. Interpret as you will.

Transformers

Who doesn't like Transformers? Seriously. Anyone who doesn't like Transformers should be shipped off to the island of "I'm an asshole who hates fun". Both of these were bought for me by Emily's mom, which makes her totally awesome. Shit, my own parents won't buy me toys and video games and shit anymore. So she fill the void. The guy on the left has a name that I don't recall and is some sort of armed racecar, and the guy on the right is Rodimus Prime, who is a big rig with a flamethrower. They are both Autobots, and to the uninitiated, they are the good guys who do battle with the evil decepticons. Both are totally sweet in both car and robot form, but check this shit:

Bladow! They can join together in two different ways, creating a glorious union that makes the glorious union of sex look like a pile of crap. Mmm... erotic Transformers. Seriously though, these two could whip the collective asses of every other toy on the shelf. Except, perhaps, for one. The most formidable toy of all. Behold him with fear, for it is TITANIC-BOT!

Titanic-Bot

Doomed seafaring vessel by day, crime fighting giant robot by night, no one can stand up to the wrath that is the Titanic-Bot. He also has a propellor that work in the bathtub. Why anyone would conceive of this toy I have no idea. "Hmm, transformers are popular, and to was that shitty movie that we shall never again mention by name. With Titanic-Bot, we can capture both the action figure loving boy market, and the DiCaprio loving girl market somehow! I'm a genius!" Instead, they sold it to me, and I've never seen one anywhere else. I feel special, but I know I'm not.

What is it that truly makes a man? I can say with some authority that it is not toys. They make a mere man-boy at best. But a man boy I am. Now if only I could afford that fucking $80 Optimus Prime. We could go on advetures to the soup kitcken together, because eighty bucks is a shitload of money for an action figure. And if I ever stop liking toys, put a bullet in my face because it probably means I've replaced my love of toys with a love of something creepy, like child molestation or the Olsen twins, which are pretty much the same thing.