Save-A-Lot: The Worst
Grocery Store Ever
We've all been to a shitty grocery store at some point in
our lives. You know, the ones that have borderline (or
actually) retarded employees, overpriced Little Debbie
snacks, and hard-to-find Count Chocula. Or maybe you've
been to a health food store or a co-op. They blow in their
own special way, with the hippy-stank, Tofegetables, and
complete and total lack of anything even resembling a
Little Debbie snack. Complain as you might about any sort
of crappy grocery store you have been to, you've never had
it as bad as it is inside a certain store on the ghetto
side of the fair city of Madison. Yes, Save-A-Lot. You know
your experience will be no good right as you walk into the
store, and are uncerimoniously greeted by the following
signs:
The first sign informs you in a very curt and unfriendly
manner that if you are not here to shop, you should get the
hell out before somebody arrests you (unless, of course,
you are there on... "official business"). The next sign is
there to tell all the bourgeois assholes that if they
assumed they were getting bags, they aren't, unless they
wanna fork out some loot for them. That's right. You have
to pay for your own damn bags. And they are in no way any
sort of special bags. No reinforced handles, no mysterious
space polymers, and there will sure as hell be no one to
help you haul 'em out to the car. But apparently, at normal
grocery stores, the cost of bags increases the price of
your food. That's funny, I thought the high price was
because I was buying brands that weren't made in Malaysia
from chopped up sweatshop child bits and rubber
substitutes. Observe:
Ah, yes. Here are a sampling of the scrumptious products
that no one in their right mind would buy. First, you have
Sol-Mex Sardines, which come in a can roughly the size of a
frisbee. They also, judging by the name, come from Mexico,
which, in my book, makes them inedible. Fiurther evidence
of their filthy mexican origin can be found in the facts
that some cans are labeled "Sardines," while some are
"Sardinas". Then you have the 19 cents a box Macaroni and
Cheese. Kraft is already as cheap as canned dog food.
You're better off going with that. Also, there is the
delicious $1.99 Rock Cornish Game Hen. No animal sounding
that fancy should be worth a mere two bucks a corpse. It's
just not right. Finally, there is the delicious can of
"Jack Mackerel". I really don't know what to say about it,
it just strikes me as very upsetting. Like "Steve
Albacore," or"Allen Anchovy."
Next up in the list of fine Save-A-Lot products are the
knock off brands. The boxes look like real brand
name-foods, but upon closer inspection, one will notice
that not only are the products not associated with their
brand-name counterparts, but also are not associated with
any company having enough safety regulations to not let
stray animals or the elderly into the "ingredients" hole on
the side of the factory.
Now this stuff is just rediculous. Do the CHUDs
(Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers, for the
uninitiated) who actually eat this stuff not realize that
this is all knock-off food? It's like taking a trip to Hong
Kong and buying yourself a genuine Sorny TV. And for
chrissakes, "Yo-Snack"? Apparently the price cuts come from
the marketing department budget. It's kinda of like going
to the health food store, where there are organic, made
from twigs and free-range ass products designed to look
like regular products so kids would forget they are being
force-fed nasty shit like bee pollen and kashi and not the
diet of sugar and preservatives that childhood requires. At
Save-A-Lot, however, the products are designed to make
people feel okay about being cheap-asses. Unless you're
poor. Then cheap-ass away.
So you've found a delicious collection of barely fit for
human consumption borderline dog chow, but with what shall
you wash it down? Fortunately, Save-A-Lot can quench your
thirst even cheaper than Shasta. But what price will you
pay for this refreshment? You will have to drink some of
the most retardedly named liquids in the world, that's
what.
Come on, Dr. Pop? Mountain Holler? PINAZ!? Pop is not that
expensive. I, for one, would happily pay the extra 50 cents
per 12-pack for a normal drink. I did get a lot (more than
I should have) of milage out of bad puns about Pinaz (yes,
I bought some. Couldn't resist). "I'm just gonna sit here
and nurse this pinaz for a while". "I could sure go for a
tall glass of pinaz right now". You get the idea. Yes, it's
lame. But that's what Save-A-Lot will do to you.
I've got just a few more pictures to demonstrate the severe
lamery of this grocery store. First, a picture of their
ENTIRE produce section. Not that any of it isn't infected
with flesh-eating tropical spiders.
That's it. One measly shelf-thing. The first time I was
there I foolishly bought a bag of potatos. Big mistake.
Within a week, there was a funny smell in my kitchen, and
upon further examination, it was those vile tubers. They
has started smelling like shit. And not like shit like bad
smelling, like actual feces shit. Ecch. Here is a photo of
another delightful product they were selling.
Not joke, these were bags of airplane peanuts. That's
right. Airplane peanuts. Ten for a buck. They're probably
not even good airplane peanuts. But then, where else would
they go now that airlines can't serve 'em because everyone
is allergic to everything. Sigh. It's such a sad world.
Next up is a picture of the mystery shelf.
There was no rhyme or reason to which products were on this
shelf. It contained anything and everything, including, but
not limited to: Lemonade mix, detergent, pasta, chili,
artificial sweetener, soap, and turkey basters. Probably
all expired, including the turkey basters, however that
might be possible.
So after all of this, you would think I wouldn't buy
anything here, right? Wrong. It's all shit, but it's cheap,
CHEAP, shit. Emily and I can't resist (and are broke). So,
without further ado, here is a picture of all the crap we
bought for a mere 25 dollars:
And it kept up fed for almost a week. In conclusion, don't
shop at Save-A-Lot unless you have a death wish. A really
cheap death wish. Stick to flavorite if you want to eat on
the cheap, but for the novelty, there's nothing better.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go eat one of my
almost-expired oatmeal pies. Wish me luck.