The City of Prague -
Doin' the Tourist Thang
Who thought that a country trampled over repeatedly
throughout history by various and sundry groups of
marauding thugs could look so darn purdy. Sure, it's
probably true that I didn't do as much touristy stuff as I
probably should have on account of having, you know, fun,
but I still have plenty of pictures of landmarks and such.
I really am a terrible tourist, and I like nothing less
than waking around and taking pictures of buildings. But I
managed to force myself to do so for the sake of all of you
(and I stole photos from other people. Shh.).
We'll start the tour with the area where I actually
attended classes. Surprisingly, this turned out to be in a
castle, the mighty fort of Vysehrad. If, for god knows why,
there were a barbarian siege or perhaps zombie Ghengis Kahn
came back to life with his undead army looking for trouble,
we would all be safe. To the disappointment of many (okay,
just me), the walls never got the fair chance to defend us
from anything. Enclosed within these walls was a relatively
attractive church, and a graveyard full of a variety of
famous Czech people who you have more than likely never
heard of, as well as a number of boring buildings like the
police station and school. Of course, none of this was
worth being outside and appreciating because, save for
about one week all semester it was cold enough to freeze
even the burning loins of Rod Stewart.
There are a few other, substantial touristy things to
look at in the city, the big castle whose name I can't
recall, Charles Bridge, the and Old Town Square. Sure,
there's some other stuff which deserves brief mention, but
I don't have pictures, and God knows I can't tolerate words
without pictures.
First up, the big castle. I want to say it's called
Hradcanska, but I'm not positive, so if I'm wrong, and your
life depends on producing that answer and you die as a
result of saying that word, don't go trying to sue or some
shit. It consists of a big wall, a bunch of government
buildings, and a fairly impressive church. There's also a
Britainesque changing of the guard every so often, but it
consists of only two guys who have a very hard time keeping
a straight face while the tourists watch them goose-step
around like second-rate fascists.
Near the castle is another famous monument, Charles
Bridge. It's filthy with statues of Jesus and other such
unexciting historical figures, and is really, really old.
Depending on the season, it can take anywhere from five
minute to around an hour to cross on account of the mob of
tourists taking photos or haggling over worthless
souvenirs, bad photography, and even worse art. While doing
this, they are also usually being pick-pocketed by gypsies.
Excuse me, the Roma peoples, for the sake of political
correctness.
The last big touristy thing (that I have pictures of),
and my personal favorite, is Old Town Square, or Stare
Mesto. It's a very nice place to go and hang out and eat
questionable street food and see the marauding hordes of
drunk, kilt-clad brits. It is not, however, a good place to
spend money, as it is an extremely popular destination for
tourists, especially those who want to buy vast quantities
of expensive Bohemian glass (I think it may be the nation's
only export), eat and drink with no regard for price, or
buy fake drugs. Of note is the large statue of Czech hero
Jan Hus, which once broke, fell over, and killed a british
tourist, who more than likely had it coming. The other
landmark in the square is the astronomical clock, which is
pretty but largely unexciting. The funny thing about it is
that every hour, massive crowds of people line up to watch
to do...something, which consists of two windows opening,
the guys in the windows spinning around, then everything
going back to its usual operations. You could almost see a
cloud of disappointment floating up from the heads of the
onlookers.
There are a couple other big landmarks worth noting that
I either dislike or don't have pictures of:
- Wenceslas Square: The worst of Prague, it's a big square containing multiple McDonald's, vile street food, a metric buttload of overpriced strip clubs, yet more drunk brits, and an abundance of nasty, toothless hookers, whom, I have heard second-hand, will allow you to pork them condomless for a measly ten euro. Gross.
- The TV tower: The tallest structure in Prague, and also one of the ugliest. The cool thing about it though, is that from a distance, it looks like it's covered in little raisin-y things. But as you look closer, you'll notice that those raisins are actually big bronze baby statues crawling up and down the tower. Now that's weird.
- The Little Eiffel Tower: It's an exact replica of the Eiffel tower in Paris, only smaller. However, it's actually the same height if you count the hill it's standing on. I'd call that cheating. But the best part is that you can ride up the hill to see it via funicular, which is one of my favorite words ever.
With all these gorgeous buildings to look at, you'd think I wouldn't have time to do anything else, but, as I stated earlier, I'm a shitty tourist. I can look at buildings for all of a couple hours before I need to move on to getting drunk. The next article will involve exactly that kind of thing, as I give an exciting exposé on drinking in a foreign land.