Television Mea Culpa: I
Like Bad TV
I fell that that time it is the right time in my life to
admit some of the wrongs that I have committed. I'm not
talking about anything so serious as hooker stabbing or
puppy eating. No, I'm here to admit that I watch some
really terrible TV. However, by making my admission in a
public forum, I think that I can probably avoid some of the
embarassment that would occur should anyone find out my
secret shame at a socially akward time.
The O.C.
I'm really only partially ashamed by the actualy content of
the show. Yes, it's stupid, melodramatic, and totally
unrealistic, but I stand firmly by my opinion that the
writing is pretty good and the characters are compelling. I
never would have thought that I could care less about
Ryan's problems or be genuinely concerned about the state
of Seth's relationship, but here I am. Not to mention the
fact that Sandy Cohen may be the best TV dad ever. No, the
real reason that I feel so guilty about watching The O.C.
is the apparent association I have to all the other people
out there that watch it. Because I watch it, people think
I'm a giggling, ugg-clad sorority girl, a douchebag
popped-collar-and-livestrong-bracelet-wearing tool who
wants to bone said sorority girl, or a teeny-bopper who
watches the show because it makes her feel like a grown up
who wants to be boned by said popped-collar tool. I am none
of these people, thank sweet, merciful christ. I shit you
not, there is a guy in one of my classes who craps all over
himself for The O.C. He reads the message boards. He joins
fan communities. He buys autographed merchandise, and
hunted down Rachel Bilson to sign it when she was in
Madison for God knows why. I feel guilty for watching The
O.C. not because it is a bad show, but because it connects
me in even the most insignificant way to this person who is
my natural sworn enemy. I am the mongoose, he is the cobra.
It's natural like that.
Sports Disasters
Now you'd think that The Learning Channel would try to put
on some programming that, you know, one might learn from.
The only thing worth learning from TLC's Sports Disasters
is just how awesome it looks when an F1 car hits the wall
at 200+ miles per hour, or what happens when a guy
bungee-jumping gives himself too much rope. Isn't this the
kind of thing we've come to expect from Fox, or at the very
least FX, and not that bastion of educational TV that is
The Learning Channel? I am also ashamed to watch this show
because normally I'm the guy who complains that programming
like this is designed for people desperately trying to rub
two brain cells together to comprehend their entertainment.
I apparently like watching things blow up too. Have
solidarity, my easily amused brothers.
My Super Sweet 16
There is no way in hell that I can make any sort of
justification for ever viewing this show. Watching spoiled
teenagers get everything they want and throw fits if they
don't (waa, my Lexus is the wrong color, waa!) seems to
have the same kind of appeal as slowing down to look at a
particularly gory car wreck. Of course, I'm prone to like
anything that can whip me into a fury of righteous anger,
so I guess My Super Sweet 16 should be right up my alley. I
especially liked the one where the fat, effeminate black
dude having the fashion show party hired a security company
so inept they wouldn't let his guests in. Take that, rich
people.
The War at Home
My watching of this piss-poor ripoff of All in the Family
can be blamed completely on Fox's nefarious scheduling
powers. I will watch anything crammed between The Simpsons
and Family Guy, simply because I'm too lazy to get up and
find something to do for half an hour. Is there anything
particularly funny about Michael Rappaport hitting his kids
and being afraid of black people? Well, in concept, yes,
but in execution, good god no. It's all in that magical
timeslot, which begs the question, why the fuck didn't Fox
put Arrested Development there? Maybe then we could see
something better than the slutty yet oddly unattractive
daughter tarting up my TV box.
America's Next Top
Model
The fact that I watch America's Next Top Model is truly
embarrassing because I do so with unabashed joy and not the
slightest sense of irony. I just really like the show. At
the very least, it gives a very compelling reason why one
would not date a model despite all of the seemingly obvious
pros inherent in doing so. If they took out all the
titty-blurring, it would be the number one show on TV,
hands down. The only problem with ANTM (that's right, I'm
abbreviating, you wanna fight about it?) is fucking Tyra
Banks, antichrist incarnate. There's just something in the
way she talks that makes me a little bit crazy. When she
hands out the photos at the end of each episode to see who
stays in, she repeats the same sentences over, and over,
and over again. "Congratulations. You are still in the
running to become America's Next Top Model". She says it
with every other fucking person she eliminates. If that
irritates me so much, I'd probably have a damn aneurism
watching her talk show.
Any list show,
anywhere, ever
I can't help it. Any time I hear "The top 100 blankiest
blanks", I watch it. There's nothing I can do. It could be
the top ten elderly celebrity colonoscopy photos, and I'd
watch it. I'm powerless. I once sat through all five hours
of The Top 100 Awesomely Bad Songs. Straight through. I'm
convinced it's a disease. VH1 causes the brunt of my
suffering in this regard, but I've been known to stoop so
low as to watch E! in persuit of ordered numeral
entertainment joy.
There. The air is cleared. I have made my admissions about
my terrible TV habits, and I feel like a great burden has
been lifted from my shoulders. I'm sure I have lost much
respect from my adoring public (ha!), but in all
seriousness, get out there and watch some bad TV. You might
like it. But don't watch TV that's too bad, lest you damage
your precious brain. If you've seen Taradise, you know
exactly what I'm talking about, and you know exactly why I
will be inserting this power drill into my frontal lobe.
Don't let it happen to you.