Yelling at MTV: A Primer

We all get angry at things we see on TV sometimes, like inept politicians, natural disasters, and the fact that Mario Lopez still lives no matter how many letters I write. But did you know that you can parlay that anger into an actual hobby? It's true. Nothing is quite as nice as sitting down in front of the television with a cold beer, some good friends, a healthy amount of righteous indignation, and hopefully reasonably low blood pressure. Of course, the question that faces most people when getting into the exciting field of complaining at the TV is what, exactly, they should be watching in order to get the most irritation out of your viewing. The clear answer is, of course, MTV, which provides an extraordinarily high rate of douchbaggery-per-minute, or DPM. Of course, for a beginner, it can be difficult to get a handle on the best method for getting the most out of your yelling at MTV, which is why I provide this guide.

What you will need:

  • A TV

  • Cable, with as many MTV channels (and non-MTV music channels) as possible

  • A remote control

  • If you tend to be an angry drunk, booze, otherwise any substance that makes you angry, be it PCP or Hippo Pheremones

  • Something to hit (optional)

  • Angry Friends

As much cable as possible is important, especially digital cable, because it will give you more channels. With Charter Digital in Madison, I get MTV2, MTV Hits, MTV Jams, MTV Espaņol, VH1 Classic, VH Uno, VH1 Country, VH1 Soul, BET Jazz, and Fuse. However, you must isolate and select which of these channnels will make you the angriest. We tend to stick with the MTVs, Fuse, and occasionally VH1 Soul because they tend to stick with more recognizable music. I couldn't give a shit about country, or jazz, and VH1 Classic sometimes plays good 80s music. Also note the exclusion of regular MTV or VH1 from this list, because they never play music videos, and MTV2 only plays them at certain hours. Unless you're particularly familiar with Mexican pop culture, I'd also stay away from the spanish channels. Remember the numbers of your target channels so can flip around more quickly. If your cable providers puts all your target channels together, more power to you, as you will be able to flip between them at lighting speed.

Proper Technique

Now comes the fun part. Turn to any one of your target channels, and wait for whatever trite, overproduced, unoriginal video happens to be in the rotation. Actually, you don't have to wait, because I guarantee that, unless it's a commercial, that's what you're gonna get. Now that you've found some dreck to watch, let the shit-talking begin. There are many possibilities to complain about, here's a list to get you started
  • Crunk/Bling

  • Nu-Metal

  • Rap Rock

  • Musicians who have the voice of what a vagina might sound like were it to sing, i.e. Emo

  • White Letterboxing

  • Jailbait

  • Overplay

  • Musicians way to old to be doing what they're doing anymore *ahemgreendayahem*

  • White people acting black

  • Eminem (see above)

  • Superficial political messages

  • That pseudo-goth cunt tarting around on Fuse clearly trying to smoke some tattoo-covered rock pole

  • The music

  • The musicians

  • The videos

  • Puff Daddy

  • Those damned kids these days and their rock music

You'll never run out of things to complain about, because music television is a neverending, feces-spewing crapfactory with all the societal worth of Sean William Scott.

Protip: When yelling at whatever jailbait slut o' the month MTV has forcefully beef-hormoned into adolescence, describe the vile sexual acts you would like to perform on them! But beware of mixed company!

Of course, colorful adjectives are all part of the fun. For a starter list, try washed-up, worthless, no-talent, cocksmoking, overrated, wussy, latently homosexual, loose, pedophiliac, or Ryan Seacrest. But remember, yelling at MTV is all about getting so angry that you're about to march right down to th studios and start firebombing. In the right state of mind, you should be able to come up with plenty of fury-induced vocabulary that would make even the swarthiest sailor's ears bleed.

You may have the urge to hurl objects at your TV, especially when they play that new Ying Yang Twins single for the seven millionth time. But remember - hurl expletives, not things. You need things, especially the TV. Control your anger, and turn it into the most vile, spiteful expletives that your good conscience to will allow you to utter. And keep in mind as well that when yelling at MTV properly, beer should be the closest thing at hand available to throw, and you should never, ever, waste beer. That's an amateur maneuver.

Protip: If you feel a sudden headache and throbbing veins in your temple, you may be having a rage induced embollism. This is good. You are having the correct reaction. Leave the room or plug your ears only long enough that you don't die.

Common Questions

What if, by some act of god, MTV plays something good?

Don't panic, and you'll get through it. You have two choices. First, you can feign hatred. This may backfire if others around you agree that the song is good. The other option is to admit you like the song, but be sure to qualify any statement of enjoyment with the phrase "guilty pleasure".

But I like the songs that are played on music television!

Then you should quickly enroll youself in some kind of shitty pop music rehab program. Without professional help, I'm not sure I can do anything for you.

Why don't I just not watch MTV?

For one, knowing the enemy is vital. It's like the military watching Al-Qaeda training videos. For two, righteous anger cleanses the blood, and makes you a happer person in the long run. It lets you release anger in a controlled way, so that you don't go out and stab a nun for looking at you funny.

My MTV-induced fury has invaded all other aspects of my life!

Good, good. Welcome to my world. An angry person is a healthy person.

With training, perserverance, and blood pressure higher than Louie Anderson on a pork rind bender, you too can become a champion of unleashing your rage on the cesspool of worthless pop cultural dreck that is MTV. It may be less fun than systematically killing the entire cast of The Real World, but it's substantially less likely to land you in federal prison.