Flame Warriors ~ View topic

So sometimes I get bored in the middle of the night and decided to get on Omegle. The results? Well, see for yourself. More coming whenever.

Also, yes, I have an entire ridiculous backstory worked out. Because, well, why the fuck not?

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You: Hello.

Stranger: so im an open book ask me anything you wanna know and i shall tell you (even the personal things)

You: Anything, eh?

You: Hmmm....

You: If at first I had seven apples, but then I had five....

You: How do I invest in the stock market?

Stranger: by multyplying the apples in to -1 apples and then dividing by zero

You: Hmmm. I see.

Stranger: indeed

You: So....

Stranger: absolutely anythong

You: I have a bucket with sawnoff shotguns in it here. Tell me how many are in it, and you can have both of them.

Stranger: 2?

You: Damn. I'd give 'em to you, but there's a computer screen in the way.

Stranger: lmfao

Stranger: bye

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Stranger: hellos

You: Hello.

Stranger: asl?

You: 487 million Earth years/neuter/far, far away.

Stranger: so then your m 14 usa

You: Nein.

Stranger: so then your a drug addict.

You: Nein.

Stranger: Nein Nein Nein Nein Nein Nein

Stranger: heil hitler

You: Not all Germans re Nazis.

Stranger: I know that.

You: And I'm not even German, so that makes the odds even less likely.

Stranger: I never said that

Stranger: I just like hitler.

Stranger: he has a funny moustache

You: Y'know, I really think Hitler was a nice guy. After all, he did kill Hitler.

Stranger: Just tell me if your a male or female.

You: Neither. I have no gender. Can't you read?

Stranger: Nope, but there's something I want to show you and I need to know your gender dammit.

You: I have none, and whaddya want to show me?

Stranger: tell me your damn gender first. It would be weird if your not the right gender.

You: Neuter.

Stranger: Your not going to see it till you tell me.

You: I'm not sure I want to in the first place. You hoomins are a lusty lot.

Stranger: You do.

Stranger: trust me

Stranger: It's very personal

You: Hmmm. Eenie meenie minie moe....

You: Female.

Stranger: is it reallly your gender?

You: No, it's not. My real gender is neuter, but you're too stubborn to believe that.

Stranger: [link to an image of ugly him and his equally ugly and also ghostly pale girlfriend fucking]

Stranger: It's me and my girlfriend.

You: I've seen better.

Stranger: Yeah, I've got a ton. I told her I wanted nudes and she wouldn't give them to me so during sex I took her phone and made her pose. THen I had her email them to me after lol.

You: Well, whatever floats your lusty, hormone-powered, teenage Hoomin boat.

Stranger: It definitely floated my boat. Smile

You: I imagine so.

Stranger: So, are you really a chick?

You: No, I'm really neuter. But for the sake of you not asking stupid questions I've already answered, pretend I am.

Stranger: What were you originally then?

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

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Q: Can Mly freak a pedophile out despite being considerably less perverse in reality?
A: Yes.

Stranger: Ask or tell a 25/m pedophile anything! For fun, curiousity, or shock.
Only talking! Find out ages I like,etc.

You: Awesome.

You: Since you've already prompted that question, what ages do you like?

Stranger: In person 9 and up. around 12 is my favorite. Ive looked at younger online before but rarely

You: What a coincidence. That's also my age range.

You: ...Well, was my age range. Before Star Control made me a neuter. But that's a different story.

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

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You: Hello.

Stranger: hi

Stranger: m27

Stranger: u

You: Are you related to the guy called m26 I met last conversation?

You: Humans have such weird names.

Stranger: no

Stranger: u'r age

Stranger: &gud name

You: 487 million Earth years, give or take.

Stranger: k

Stranger: name

You: My name doesn't follow human phonetics or spelling patterns. How am I supposed to translate it?

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

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You: Hello.

Stranger: hi

Stranger: what up

You: What, no ASL? How surprising.

Stranger: how?

You: Because robots, that's how.

Stranger: I don't care who I talk to

Stranger: I prefer girls but what ever

You: You don't have any problems with neuters, then? 'Cause when I mention my utter lack of a gender, people tend to disconnect.

Stranger: your a male?

You: No. Didn't I just say I have no gender?

Stranger: no gender. how does that work.

You: Good enough. Not much sex, but most neuters where I come from are too busy fighting to worry about it. Me, I'm on vacation.

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

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Stranger: hi

You: Hello.

Stranger: asl?

You: Why is everyone calling me asl?

Stranger: well that is your name

You: No it isn't.

Stranger: preetty sure it is

Stranger: i mean i would know

You: No you wouldn't, because you've never met me.

You: You wouldn't be able to type or say my name in English even if you did know it.

Stranger: so where are you from then?

You: Billions of lightyears away, on a planet you've never heard of and also couldn't pronounce or type the name of.

Stranger: and your on omegle?

You: Yeah. Aliens get bored too.

Stranger: well

Stranger: are you a girl alien or a guy alien?

You: Neither. I'm a neuter. That's what happens when you join Star Control.

Stranger: unlucky

You: Eh. It gives a certain clarity.

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

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You: Hello.

Stranger: hi

Stranger: asl

You: 487 millionish Earth years/neuter/in front of a computer

Stranger: Ahahahaha okaay

You: What's so funny?

Stranger: wat you wrote no ones that dumb

You: There are lots of dumb people.

Stranger: yeah trew nut not me

You: Not that it takes stupidity to believe that.

You: All it takes is a little...what's the word....

You: Imagination?

Stranger: how old r u really ?

You: 487 million and some change.

Stranger: really ?

You: Yep.

Stranger: wow sexy i looove old wrinkly balls ;0

You: Except I don't have balls. I'm neuter. Meaning, I have no gender.

Stranger: well then i dont know bout that !

You: If I did, though, they wouldn't be that bad. I don't age like you hoomins.

Stranger: humans i think you mean

You: Yeah, but hoomins sounds so much cutesier.

Stranger: well...

You: Well what?

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

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You: Hello.

Stranger: hey.

Stranger: how are

Stranger: you

You: Bored, obviously.

Stranger: lol

You: And you?

Stranger: well basically the same

Stranger: i can't fall asleep

You: Luckily for me, I don't need sleep.

Stranger: why, and where are you from?

Stranger: vampire?

You: Vampire? No, no. Sufficiently advanced alien. As for where I'm from, far, far away.

Stranger: okay E.T

Stranger: that's cool... never thought i'd meet one of you here

You: Well, this was the closest place with intelligent life. Loosely speaking, at least. I'd have to drive for months to hit another vacation spot.

You: And I don't have months. My vacation would be over by then.

Stranger: really why... what kind of work or studies are you in

You: Star Control. Basically, I'm the dumb muscle the royalty puts in place to fuck up other aliens we don't like.

You: As the saying goes, "It's only murder if you're not in uniform."

Stranger: true... that's cool... thats sounds a bit like what we call bouncers here on Earth... they protect us from unwanted pervs...

You: It's more like the Navy. Except replace water with space.

Stranger: i understand what i'm used to... by the way... I'm a stripper at a strip joint located in the rear courtyard of prince William's estate... more like royal stripper

You: That sounds ridiculous, and I'm a hypocrite, but whatever.

Stranger: what not beleivable? i thought so... maybe i'm just an idiot and people who believe me are asses...

You: Maybe it's just my idea of royalty. I imagine human leaders are much more flawed than ours.

You: 'Course, ours aren't perfect. Which is why you get wars and a need for little attack dogs like me.

Stranger: well of course...

Stranger: anyways nice talking

Stranger: i gotta go sleep finally came

You: You were masturbating the whole time? While talking to an alien?

Stranger: i'm not gonna admit to those accusations!!!

Stranger: this is entrapment

You: Well you just said you came. How simultaneously ridiculous and vaguely sexy.

Stranger: really?

You: Yep.

Stranger: your a sick person you know that

You: We're all a little sick.

You: Honestly, though. I'm a neuter, so it's not like I get all that much enjoyment out of you...ahem, enjoying my company.

Your conversational partner has disconnected.
_________________
Everything that has transpired in this thread has done so according to my design.
forwarding.station.trottam@gmail.com

This one's a long one. And I made a friend!

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You: Hiya.

Stranger: Hi

Stranger: Wassup

Stranger: ?

You: Nothing. Just being bored on Omegle.

Stranger: Ahh!

Stranger: Well, me too so I switched upon here.

Stranger: Every time I connect, I'm questioned girl or a boy? lol

Stranger: So tell me anything about you?

You: Hmmm. Where to start....

You: Well, I'm an alien on vacation here on Earth. That one tends to throw 'em off guard.

Stranger: Ohhh!

Stranger: I'm astonished to know that. Pleasure meeting you Mr. Alien?

Stranger: Razz

Stranger: So what's your age though?

You: 487 millionish. I'm a lot more fit than my age would have you believe; I don't age like humans.

Stranger: Alright. I never knew that. So having fun here on Earth?

You: Better than anything else nearby. I didn't have any other options. My vacation would be over by the time I got over to another planet with intelligent life.

Stranger: I see. Well, so you find Omegle really interesting or just for fun?

You: Neither. It's the middle of the night and I can't just fly to the other side of the planet because my battery's about to give out.

Stranger: Ohh!

Stranger: So where do you live actually?

You: A planet you've never heard of.

Stranger: I expected some place on earth. -_-

You: ...Well, actually, I guess I live on my ship. Being way, way, waaay out here in the frontier means I can't just go home. Sadly even our fancy alien ships can only go so fast.

Stranger: Ahh!

Stranger: Too conservative?

Stranger: Well, what's your occupation?

Stranger: Seriously.

Stranger: ?????????//

You: Star Control. It's our fancy word for, "People the royals send out in the middle of nowhere to murder things we don't like/think are ugly/whatever."

Stranger: You lost broski?

You: Lost? Nah.

Stranger: Ohh!

Stranger: I'm 17 and you?

You: Like I said, 487 millionish.

Stranger: Still? hiding woo hoo

You: Hiding? From what?

Stranger: Hiding your real age?

Stranger: "Alien"

Stranger: lol

You: That is my real age.

Stranger: =+=

Stranger: k

Stranger: so

Stranger: Like WWE?

You: WWE? Wrestling? Nah. If I wanted to see slimy things grappling each other I'd go under the sea and watch octupi fight.

Stranger: Ohhh!

Stranger: Which sport then?

You: Not a sports fan.

Stranger: Biking?

You: Nah. I stay fit enough flying around and beating the crap out of things that are too disgusting to describe.

Stranger: Like hacking?

You: I'm not the nerdy type. They sent a fresh-from-basic engineer out with me when I first deployed, but I dropped him off in Australia.

Stranger: ok

You: Of course, "fresh-from-basic" by our standards would probably mean "Can damn near hack reality itself" by human norms. Billions of years of technological advancement is fun.

You: The funnest thing about my job is being able to ramble on and on to incredulous indigenous species, I swear. The people upstairs don't even care; so long as locals don't see alien magic, only crazies even believe me.

You: Hell, you don't believe me, do you?

Stranger: No!

You: See what I mean?

Stranger: yeah

You: So....

Stranger: ?

Stranger: I'm bored

You: Seeing as we're both running out of things to say, bye, I guess?

Stranger: Umm!

Stranger: Got any contact?

You: What, like e-mail or something?

Stranger: yeah

You: Yes and no.

Stranger: Well, this is my first time on Omegle

Stranger: So we could be friends?

You: You could e-mail me at (My e-mail here) before my vacation's over, but after that, I'll be a million miles away in space, and there's not enough technological phlebotinum on the entire planet to reach me out there.

Stranger: You there on facebook?

You: I'm not a fan of facebook.

Stranger: Me neither but still?

You: If I'm not a fan of facebook, why would I have an account there?

Stranger: No social networking?

You: If I want social networking I can put on a disguise and go out in public. Holograms are wondrous things.

Stranger: Hmmm

Stranger: First smart one I ever met on Omegle

Stranger: Actually please to meet you.

Stranger: Smile

You: I use WLM, if that's any help.

Stranger: WLM?

You: Windows Live Messenger. Or MSN (Microsoft Network[?]) messenger. An IM client.

Stranger: Ohk

You: It's like Omegle, but not anywhere near as anonymous.

Stranger: Email?

Stranger: on it?

You: [My e-mail here]

Stranger: alright.

You: So, bye?

Stranger: [His e-mail here]

Stranger: add me on IM

Stranger: We'll have chat sometime

Stranger: there

Stranger: Smile

Stranger: You from which country?

Stranger: I'm from India

You: I'm staying in America. I'm from...a country whose name I couldn't translate to English in any way if I tried.

Stranger: Still?

Stranger: Name of the country?

Stranger: Where in America though?

Stranger: I visit there every 6 months

You: Texas.

You: In Dallas's hinterland.

Stranger: Ohh!

Stranger: That's cool

Stranger: What's your age?

Stranger: I'm 17

Stranger: Razz

You: 487 million and some change. Do we really have to go over this again?

Stranger: Lol.

Stranger: ALright

Stranger: So you are not basically American?

Stranger: right?

You: I'm as American as a creature from outer space who's been in America for a couple months can be, I suppose.

Stranger: Alright, are you a student?

Stranger: ??

You: Why study here on Earth? I'm older than any living thing on the entire planet, there's no interesting undiscovered technology I can steal, or anything.

Stranger: haha

Stranger: You awesome dude.

Stranger: Your hobbies?

You: Well, when I'm on vacation I try to study local arts, especially martial arts. When I'm called into a campaign I mostly just hang out with the other soldiers and do whatever I can for fun. It's boring at the ground camps most of the time.

Stranger: You a part of defence?

You: Defense? It'd take a really stupid, really brave, or really strong empire to break through billions of lightyears of carefully partolled hinterland and take on the strongest military power I know of.

You: No, I'm not defense. I'm either a scout or one of the attack dogs on the front lines.

Stranger: :O

Stranger: k

Stranger: Hey

You: Yes?

Stranger: could you tell me the price of hat cap of NY?

Stranger: there?

You: Price of hat cap of NY? I'm pretty sure there was just a communication breakdown somewhere along the line.

Stranger: No

Stranger: Baseball cap of NY?

Stranger: New York Yankees?

Stranger: heard of them?

You: Yeah.

You: What about 'em?

Stranger: They got their baseball caps?

Stranger: right?

You: Depends on who "they" are.

Stranger: NY caps?

Stranger: know what price they could be?

You: No idea. I don't buy that sort of stuff.

Stranger: Oh!

Stranger: I wished I could buy one but it's no where available in India

Stranger: :/

Stranger: Well, could you ship me one if I would pay you?

Stranger: I could pay you online, online banking?

You: I could, but why would I want to?

Stranger: :/

Stranger: May be you could be good

Stranger: I would pay some more?

You: Seeing as I can synthesize any currency in use on the entire planet from dirt with a piece of alien technomagic no larger than your thumb, I don't see a reason to go out of my way and do that.

You: Call me lazy, but eh.

Stranger: :/

Stranger: eh

Stranger: I wished I had one

Stranger: You are a grown up ain't you?

You: Yes.

Stranger: Ah

Stranger: I'm a teenager

Stranger: so you know...

Stranger: Razz

Stranger: So?

Stranger: Need to go to sleep ya?

Stranger: I guess?

You: Who, me or you? I don't sleep, but feel free to rest.

Stranger: ??

Stranger: Lol

Stranger: It's midnight there in US?

You: Well past midnight.

Stranger: So no sleep hmm?

You: Nope.

Stranger: Why so?

You: Because technomagic. I'd ask the engineer if I cared.

Stranger: lol

Stranger: so just on Omegle on this World-wide-web?

Stranger: You Chinese or something as such?

You: Nope. Alien. Because of the extreme differences in the way we form words where I'm from, I couldn't translate my race's name to English if I tried. Different letters, different sounds, different everything.

Stranger: Ohh dude

Stranger: Alright. I gotta go study.

You: Be seeing you.

Stranger: Will catch you later sometime on IM

Stranger: Bye

Stranger: Cya

Stranger: Take care

Stranger: Razz

Stranger:

You: That's far too many ways to say goodbye.

You have disconnected.
_________________
Everything that has transpired in this thread has done so according to my design.
forwarding.station.trottam@gmail.com

Another long'un.

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You: Hiya.

You: ...Hello?

Stranger: I'm a guy. That's what you were probably going to ask, so I'll save you the time. If that bothers you, disconnect. If you're not a moron, you're welcome to stay and converse.

You: M'kay.

Stranger: Indeed.

You: ...

You: Aliens!

Stranger: So, what are you up to, this morning?

You: Nothing much.

Stranger: Well, that can't be good.

You: No, some aliens are nice. I'm a nice alien.

Stranger: All aliens say that.

Stranger: Right before the anal probes and/or lasers are brought out.

You: Those are the white coats. I'm a uniform. I only do horrible things if provoked.

Stranger: Or ordered.

Stranger: Or bored.

Stranger: Or hungry.

You: No, not if bored or hungry. Just if provoked, or ordered. But usually I'm a scout. There's not much to fight out here.

Stranger: Or horny... x_x

You: They made me a neuter. I haven't been horny in millions of years.

Stranger: Well, that's both a shame, yet comforting.

You: Even if I were horny, I'd just have sex with something.

You: ...Which may be horrible, depending upon what that something is.

Stranger: Exactly. Alien gang-rape.

You: Gang-rape?

Stranger: Last thing I need is 20 alien boners.

You: Scoutships have two crew members: the soldier, and the engineer. That's one tenth of 20, and I doubt 10 of 'em are likely to find themselves that close together, especially way out here.

Stranger: Ok, 2 alien boners are still too many.

Stranger: 1 might be acceptable, depending upon the aesthetics of the alien.

You: What about 2 moist alien vaginas?

Stranger: From what I've read, they have teeth.

You: Seeing as vaginal teeth would serve absolutely no evolutionary purpose and probably actually be a hindrance, I doubt it.

Stranger: That's where you're wrong.

You: As for aesthetics, some of 'em are weird, some of 'em are outright nasty. Me, I'm a 7-foot-something anthropomorphic dog. Or close enough, at least.

You: So....

Stranger: The females are the dominant gender, and aggressively seek out copulation, which is painful to the males.

Stranger: The teeth were evolved to keep the male genitalia inside until ejaculation, thus preventing the male from running away before fertilization.

You: So female-on-male rape.

You: Classy.

Stranger: Everyone's favorite.

You: I don't like the sound of that particular case that much, though. Maybe it has something to do with teeth.

Stranger: Probably.

Stranger: I prefer human vaginas, but what do *I* know.

You: I've seen one case of that, and this is over millions of years and thousands of inhabited planets.

You: It's just not that useful.

You: Therefore, it doesn't evolve that often.

Stranger: Good, I suppose.

Stranger: Safe for another generation.

Stranger: I really wasn't in the mood to evolve an armored wang.

You: The trend with sapient species is the good ol' "When a male and a female really love each other..." story. I read something about the professional nerds saying something about it having to do with the way it tends to lead to balanced upbringing, which means more logically thinking animals, which means someone'll eventually figure out "HEY LOOK THIS FIRE STUFF MAKES IT WARM THIS IS GREAT OH GOD."

Stranger: Worked out okay, oddly enough.

Stranger: On the other hand, it also lead to the Jersey Shore.

Stranger: So ya win some, ya lose some.

You: Oh, and just so you know, rubber forehead-type aliens really are the most common type of intelligent life. Most anything at least smart enough to carry on a conversation with you will be either humanesque or sort of like an octopus, with the octopus-like-ness being considerably less common.

Stranger: Damn Octopoids...

You: Don't worry, they're nothing like Cthulhu. Usually.

Stranger: That's what Cthulu said.

You: I've seen some pretty damn big things with wings and tentacles, granted, but still. Not very common.

Stranger: Usually they're drawn by Japanese porno artists.

You: Well, that's usually the case here, but in the final frontier you'll run into a genuine article occasionally. Nothing bigger than, say, 9 meters, though. After that the square cube law starts to fuck its life up.

Stranger: The fetishists can't wait to get out there, I'm sure.

You: I imagine so.

Stranger: Good. We're getting crowded down here.

You: You'll figure something out. The good thing about life is that it's damn hard to kill.

Stranger: On an overall scale, sure. On a singular scale, pretty damn easy.

Stranger: Messy, but easy.

You: With concussive weapons, yeah. But my technomagic arsenal just vaporizes stuff. Nice and neat.

You: ...Well, some of it vaporizes stuff. Some of it's messier. Like the pull gun. It completely rips shit apart with magnetic magic. Try stopping that with a shield.

Stranger: But where's the fun in that?

You: Well, it takes all kinds.

Stranger: I suppose...

You: Railguns are rather messy. They make stuff explode.

You: Not a bloody explosion, either. The friction makes a fiery ball of death.

Stranger: I prefer less mess and burning. Makes looting easier.

You: Looting? Eh. Inferior technology and currency I can just synthesize if I really need to, mostly. If I get lucky I might find something to remind me of the time I spent in the area.

Stranger: Trophies. Make war worth while.

You: I'm not really a warrior, per se. My job usually entails "Go here and see what's going on," or "Give this a nudge in the direction we want it to go." If anything's stupid enough to piss the royalty off, I might be called into a campaign, and then there's usually some fighting done. Most of the time I just go from place to place, doing weird stuff."

Stranger: My job is to sit here and look important.

You: Basically. The massive military and navy looks nice, but really, it'd take some real good luck for some ragtag bunch of creatures to be smart enough to build a spaceship, yet still dumb enough to challenge a hegemony.

Stranger: Sounds like we TOTALLY fit the bill.

Stranger: Just need a few more generations to figure out the spaceflight thing.

You: Even if you got advanced enough to fly billions upon billions of lightyears away into the actual states to piss us off, we'd fire warning shots first. Shoot a big beam of light past a highly inhabited planet or something. I don't think something as smart as a human would try shit after that. And trust me, I've seen some dumb shit.

Stranger: We'll out-dumb the BEST OF EM!

You: I honestly doubt it.

You: We're nice enough when it comes to keeping crap out of our protection zone. We don't just murder anything with technology more advanced than a toaster. We politely ship 'em out of the protection zone when they start expanding willy nilly.

Stranger: Well, we DO love humpin' and expandin'

You: Then you're gonna find a lovely home a few quadrillion miles that-a-way in a few ages.

Stranger: Not mah problem! Yeeeeeeeeeeeeehaw!

You: I don't see why it would be anyone's problem. The royalty's paranoia is quelled and you don't get bothered by our scouts for ages upon ages, until it's decided that the protection radius is getting too thin.

You: Well, I'm off.

Stranger: *salute*

Stranger: Good day, alien eunuch-rapist.

You: Goodnight. And good luck.

You have disconnected.
_________________
Everything that has transpired in this thread has done so according to my design.
forwarding.station.trottam@gmail.com

I always end up talking to either some bored and horny teenage American girl, or some European or Chinese student with fair English skills.
_________________
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"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro."

@FX: I skipped over the countless horny boys and girls trying to get off via text on the internet for everyone's sanity.

@PC: Of course I'm good at confounding. That's what being chaotic neutral is for.
_________________
Everything that has transpired in this thread has done so according to my design.
forwarding.station.trottam@gmail.com

This one's a little different. Didn't get to finish it up due to time constraints, but oh well.

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You: Hiya.

Stranger: hi

Stranger: m/f ?

You: f

Stranger: age /

You: 12

Stranger: cool

Stranger: from ?

You: Dallas

Stranger: wht's ur name Baby ?

You: Emily.

Stranger: nice name

You: Thanks.

Stranger: have you facebook account ?

You: No

Stranger: why dnt uahve ?

You: It's boring. If I wanna talk to people I just meet up with them.

Stranger: okey

Stranger: have you boyfrnd ?

You: No....

Stranger: ever kissed ?

You: A few times, yeah.

Stranger: cool

Stranger: it's lovely n ?

You: Yeah

Stranger: sex before /

You: No....

Stranger: wana someday ?

You: Yeah, definitely.

Stranger: which type of fucking do u like ?

You: Iunno. Haven't tried any of it before.

Stranger: watched some porn movie ?

You: Once....

Stranger: with whoom ?

You: I know it sounds weird, but my big brother.

Stranger: cool

Stranger: watched together . . . .

You: Yeah.

Stranger: does he hav girlfrnd ?

You: Iunno

Stranger: ?

You: Never asked him.

Stranger: okey

Stranger: will u like cock sucking ?

You: Iunno. Depends how they taste I guess.

Stranger: hahah

Stranger: i likes jard kissing

Stranger: hard

You: Hard kissing?

Stranger: yup

You: What's that?

Stranger: menas ?

You: Yeah, what's it mean?

Stranger: it means grab the girl n kiss her tightly

You: That sounds fun.

Stranger: yup

Stranger: what's sillt things u have done before ?

You: Silly things? Iunno....

Stranger: wht happeneed ?

Stranger: yup

Stranger: i hard problem with my key borad tht's y mispeelling

You: You're hard? Heheh, it's nice to know talking to me makes you feel like that....

Stranger: yup

Stranger: would u like to kiss me ?

You: Yeah.

Stranger: on my lips ... hardly ?

You: CHRIS HANSEN MODE: ACTIVATED.

You: Why don't you have a seat right there?

Stranger: where ?

You: Right there. Just have a seat.

Stranger: where yr ?

You: Just have a seat.

Stranger: okey

You: Damn it, foiled by the deadline! Supertroll, away!

You have disconnected.
_________________
Everything that has transpired in this thread has done so according to my design.
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What is this I don't even.

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You: Hiya.

Stranger: PERRY!?

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

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You: Hiya.

Stranger: biteme

Stranger: please

Stranger: mia culpa

Stranger: por favor

Stranger: amerika stupit

You: Cool story bro.

Stranger: u mad bro?

You: I like the part where you called a worldwide hegemony who earned its place by great governing and political freedoms "stupit."

You: Me? Mad? No, never. Amused, really.

You: Y'know, I'm a lot like you. I'm a troll too.

You: But try harder, mang.

You: Questions? Comments? Ridiculousness?

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

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I call this one... "A look into the mind of a hyper-intelligent 12-year-old harlot." Not the best title, but eh. It's not often you get someone with a good chain on 'is heart...or cock, or whatever. Naturally, I seized the opportunity and molested his mind instead of his fuckstick.

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You: Hiya.

Stranger: hi

Stranger: dude?

You: No.

Stranger: im the dude

Stranger: how old aire you

You: 12

Stranger: what do you wanna talk about

You: Who said anything about talking?

Stranger: what else are you here for?

You: You tell me first. And how old are you, by the way?

Stranger: why are there so many minors so fucking into sexchat.. is that normal?!

You: I blame society. Me, I'm just horny and I don't care who's right.

Stranger: interesting attitude

Stranger: so, im sorry im not doing someone that young.. i cant even take back the bad word i just said^^

Stranger: since when do you masturbate btw

You: Iunno. A while now.

Stranger: did you have sex?

You: No....

Stranger: isnt that weird to hear such strange things here before having sex?

You: Maybe I'm into weird things. Iunno.

Stranger: k

Stranger: lemme ask one last thing: why youldnt you lie about your age making you older than.. sry thats to weird.. but i dont think you have problems finding so

You: Honesty is the best policy. I have a few morals. A few.

Stranger: youre somewhat interesting, but youre way to young

You: Age is relative.

Stranger: is it legal?

Stranger: would be legal when i say im 10

You: Legal? No. Enforced? Unless someone involved is actually over the AOC, no as well. Fun? Of course.

Stranger: aoc?

You: Age of consent.

Stranger: youre pretty well informes

Stranger: d

You: Boredom does that to you.

Stranger: oh.. my mum went home

Stranger: sry

Stranger: bye

You: Bye.

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

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Stranger: mmmbananas?

You: Indeed.

You: I agree most wholeheartedly with your idea.

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

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Not sure if trolling or just pitifully neurotic. Hilarious regardless.

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You: Hiya.

You: You must be thinking long and hard.

Stranger: Hey, some mean boys at school today squeezed my boobs really hard and it hurt a lot- kiss them better?

You: Actual tears. Well done fellow troll.

Stranger: what?

Stranger: Fuck you

You: No, no. I'm complimenting you. Job well done.

Stranger: On what?

You: On the introduction. I haven't seen a trollish introduction so hilarious in a good while.

Stranger: THAT IS NOT A FUCKING JOKE YOU IDIOT! They locked me in the janitors closet NAKED!

You: That's terribly sexy.

Stranger: How? I was in so much fucking pain you doosh bag

Your conversational partner has disconnected.
_________________
Everything that has transpired in this thread has done so according to my design.
forwarding.station.trottam@gmail.com

This is the level of idiocy that would honestly make me pray for the person's continued survival if I were a theist.

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You: Hiya.

Stranger: i

Stranger: hi

Stranger: hello

Stranger: sunny

You: Well, it's the middle of the night here.

Stranger: m/f

You: Neuter.

Stranger: Neuter mean

You: I have no gender.

Stranger: u r name

You: Impossible to translate to English.

Stranger: why

You: Because my mouth doesn't work like human ones.

Stranger: y

Stranger: chat me

You: I am chatting with you.

Stranger: first u r m/f

You: Neither. I'm neuter. Or, in other words, genderless.

Stranger: i don't no neuter

You: I don't see how you could if you wanted to.

Stranger: u r m/f

You: Neuter.

You: Do you not know what "I have no gender" means?

Stranger: Neuter i don't yeah

Stranger: ur name

Stranger: from

You: Like I said, my name is impossible to translate. And I'm from outer space.

Stranger: which country

You: My home country also has no English name.

Stranger: tel me yeah

Stranger: any language

You: It doesn't have a name in any human language, because it's completely impossible for a human mouth to make those sounds.

Stranger: u don't tel me

Stranger: ok byeeeee

You: No, I can't tell you. There's a difference.

You: It is impossible to relay the syllables that make up the name of my home country through any human medium.

Stranger: ok byeeeeee

You: If you didn't hold some sort of morbid curiosity you would've already left.

Stranger: ok byeeeeeeeeee

You: Saying "ok by(excessive number of E's here)" doesn't automatically make the disconnect button work.

Stranger: ok byeeeeeeee

You: Are you a person or a skipping record?

Stranger: ok

Stranger: no

Stranger: u r name

You: How many times to I have to tell you that it's impossible for me to say it in any way you can understand for you to get it?

Stranger: ur m/f

You: Neuter. Meaning I have no gender. At all. I lack any form of genitals.

Stranger: really ok byeeeeeeeeee

You: You're too entertaining and I'm too stubborn for me to disconnect. You're going to have to be the one who hits the button.

Stranger: hi

You: Do you honestly think you're talking to someone new now?

Stranger: ur student

You: No.

Stranger: tel me

You: Tell you what? What do you want to know?

Stranger: now chat u

You: I am chatting with you. Is the meaning of the word "chat" foreign to you?

Stranger: chatting

You: Yeah, do you know what that means?

Stranger: wanna talk to u

You: You are talking to me.

Stranger: y

Stranger: tel me u r mail id

You: You'd have to be more interesting and less stupid-acting for me to do that.

Stranger: no

Stranger: really u r tel mailid

You: I don't want to.

Stranger: i tel u hane mailId

You: Why should I/

You: *?

Stranger: u have mail id

Stranger: yes or no

You: Yes.

Stranger: telme

You: No. Saying "tel me" over and over again isn't going to make me tell you, it's just going to bore us both.

Stranger: ok

Stranger: byeeeeeeeeeeeeee

You: You can leave any time you want to.

You: Just hit the button that says "Disconnect" twice.

Stranger: ok byeee

Your conversational partner has disconnected.
_________________
Everything that has transpired in this thread has done so according to my design.
forwarding.station.trottam@gmail.com

I felt like teaching someone a lesson, but I guess some people are just too stupid to figure anything out.

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You: Hiya

Stranger: asl

You: 12/f/Dallas, u?

Stranger: 16 m wisconsin

Stranger: name?

You: Emily

Stranger: james

Stranger: isnt todays night cold?

You: sorta

Stranger: wat r u plans for tonight?

You: have fun on omegle Wink

Stranger: cool, im here for d same reason

Stranger: hav u ever indulged in hot chat?

You: yea

Stranger: u like dat?

You: ya

Stranger: i too like it, shall we do one now?

You: sure

Stranger: wat r u wearin?

You: white tshirt, black skirt, pink panties, u?

Stranger: black shorts, boxers

Stranger: u know im really hard

You: CHRIS HANSEN MODE: ACTIVATED.

You: Why don't you have a seat right there?

Stranger: wat?

You: Just have a seat.

Stranger: okey

Stranger: im sittin

You: ...You have no idea who Chris Hansen is, do you?

Stranger: nope

You: Dateline? To catch a predator?

Stranger: nope nope

You: He's a famous anti-pedophile guy who has his own show where they lure pedos into traps.

Stranger: owh

Stranger: now do u need to talk abt him?

You: You're terrible at connecting two and two together, aren't you?

Stranger: im terrible at only 1 thing

You: And what's that?

Stranger: im hard and want to wank

Stranger: got it?

You: I know.

Stranger: shall we do hot chat?

You: Well, you're a dumbass. The implication was that I'm not really a 12-year-old girl like I said I was. I'm just trolling you, fool.

Stranger: i m 16 yr boy

Stranger: and really hard

You: And that's legal in lots of places. So if you get sexy with a 12-year-old, there could be jail involved. You got lucky this time. I'm just a bored guy trolling people.

Your conversational partner has disconnected.
_________________
Everything that has transpired in this thread has done so according to my design.
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Alien vs. God: Who will win?

(SPOILER: I made God ragequit.)

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You: Hiya.

Stranger: i r god

Stranger: talk to me my son

You: You're god? That's odd.

Stranger: how come?

You: Did you create me?

Stranger: ofcourse

You: Then what am I? Do you know?

Stranger: You are a person

Stranger: created by my hands

Stranger: and dick.

You: Define "person."

Stranger: A boy.

You: And where do I live?'

Stranger: On the earth that i made

Stranger: Do you question my powers my son ?

You: Yes, because you got both of the questions I asked wrong.

Stranger: Explain my son?

You: I don't live on Earth. I'm just on vacation here. I technically live billions of lightyears away, and realistically, because that's too far to travel when I'm off duty, on my little scout ship.

Stranger: then get the fuck off

Stranger: this is my planet

You: Smite me if you're so powerful.

Stranger: go get your own place >=[

You: I'm on vacation. I don't wanna hurt your precious humans.

Stranger: just probe some of the femanons with your disco stick then?

You: Not my job.

You: The scientists do that.

Stranger: and what are you then

You: Military. Star Control. If someone annoys the royalty, they send us to blow shit up.

You: But the humans are fine.

Stranger: fine if you are such a powerfull alien. bring these shit stains of people world peace for then i will believe you my boy.

You: Not my job, like I said. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't. I don't have a magical "make everyone happy and at peace" machine. They might have one back home, but I don't have one.

Stranger: build one

Stranger: you useless alien being

Stranger: did my brother Fod create you?

Stranger: or zeus?

Stranger: zeus is one nasty motherfucker

You: I'm not an engineer. I'm just the guy who pulls the trigger on the fancy "blow shit up" gun.

Stranger: constanty waving his gay ass lighting dick

Stranger: damnit i hate that guy

Stranger: fine i want a huge ass explosion on asia

Stranger: GO

You: There already was one. Fukushima.

You: Not that I caused it, but still. I think I should give 'em a break.

Stranger: dont care do it again

Stranger: fine

Stranger: holland is your target

Stranger: gogogo

You: Nah. I like my job, and I'm not supposed to just blow crap up without a good reason.

Stranger: you are not a very good alien sir.

You: You're not very good at hiding your stereotypical view of aliens.

You: Many beings aren't very good at many things.

Stranger: blow up holland

Stranger: do it now

Stranger: or

Stranger: be gone demon

You: I'm not a demon. I'm an alien.

Stranger: you are a demon alien

You: Nah.

You: Why do I suspect this conversation will find itself posted on 4chan?

Stranger: It wont

Stranger: god islazy

You: Well, if any magical invisible human god even exists, I imagine so.

Stranger: I am almighty , you will never find me. All the weird people say that i live on clouds

Stranger: they are lieing.

You: I certainly hope so, because I haven't seen you in the clouds.

Stranger: Because i am almighty.

Stranger: Far more superior then you

Stranger: demon alien scumbag!

You: You're almighty, huh?

Stranger: ofcourse

You: Well, I've got a job to worry about. You're the top dog, so blow up Mars, eh? Nobody's using it.

Stranger: Thought that was your job?

Stranger: Ah well go blow it up i live on pluto

You: No, no. My job is to kill stuff the royalty tells me to. I don't have a beef with Mars.

Stranger: But then i got to raise my hand. Im not doing that , to much effort.

Stranger: Even god can ragequit

Stranger: kbai

You: You're god. You have to use hand motions to cast your magical spells? Why not just do it with a single thought? Hell, you don't even have to be god to do that any more; they're training supersoldiers with thought-activated weapons back where I'm from, I hear.

Your conversational partner has disconnected.
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Everything that has transpired in this thread has done so according to my design.
forwarding.station.trottam@gmail.com