Stranger: Every time I connect, I'm questioned girl or a boy? lol
Stranger: So tell me anything about you?
You: Hmmm. Where to start....
You: Well, I'm an alien on vacation here on Earth. That one tends to throw 'em off guard.
Stranger: I'm astonished to know that. Pleasure meeting you Mr. Alien?
Stranger: So what's your age though?
You: 487 millionish. I'm a lot more fit than my age would have you believe; I don't age like humans.
Stranger: Alright. I never knew that. So having fun here on Earth?
You: Better than anything else nearby. I didn't have any other options. My vacation would be over by the time I got over to another planet with intelligent life.
Stranger: I see. Well, so you find Omegle really interesting or just for fun?
You: Neither. It's the middle of the night and I can't just fly to the other side of the planet because my battery's about to give out.
Stranger: So where do you live actually?
You: A planet you've never heard of.
Stranger: I expected some place on earth. -_-
You: ...Well, actually, I guess I live on my ship. Being way, way, waaay out here in the frontier means I can't just go home. Sadly even our fancy alien ships can only go so fast.
Stranger: Too conservative?
Stranger: Well, what's your occupation?
You: Star Control. It's our fancy word for, "People the royals send out in the middle of nowhere to murder things we don't like/think are ugly/whatever."
Stranger: You lost broski?
You: Lost? Nah.
Stranger: I'm 17 and you?
You: Like I said, 487 millionish.
Stranger: Still? hiding woo hoo
You: Hiding? From what?
Stranger: Hiding your real age?
You: That is my real age.
Stranger: Like WWE?
You: WWE? Wrestling? Nah. If I wanted to see slimy things grappling each other I'd go under the sea and watch octupi fight.
Stranger: Which sport then?
You: Not a sports fan.
You: Nah. I stay fit enough flying around and beating the crap out of things that are too disgusting to describe.
Stranger: Like hacking?
You: I'm not the nerdy type. They sent a fresh-from-basic engineer out with me when I first deployed, but I dropped him off in Australia.
You: Of course, "fresh-from-basic" by our standards would probably mean "Can damn near hack reality itself" by human norms. Billions of years of technological advancement is fun.
You: The funnest thing about my job is being able to ramble on and on to incredulous indigenous species, I swear. The people upstairs don't even care; so long as locals don't see alien magic, only crazies even believe me.
You: Hell, you don't believe me, do you?
You: See what I mean?
Stranger: I'm bored
You: Seeing as we're both running out of things to say, bye, I guess?
Stranger: Got any contact?
You: What, like e-mail or something?
You: Yes and no.
Stranger: Well, this is my first time on Omegle
Stranger: So we could be friends?
You: You could e-mail me at (My e-mail here) before my vacation's over, but after that, I'll be a million miles away in space, and there's not enough technological phlebotinum on the entire planet to reach me out there.
Stranger: You there on facebook?
You: I'm not a fan of facebook.
Stranger: Me neither but still?
You: If I'm not a fan of facebook, why would I have an account there?
Stranger: No social networking?
You: If I want social networking I can put on a disguise and go out in public. Holograms are wondrous things.
Stranger: First smart one I ever met on Omegle
Stranger: Actually please to meet you.
You: I use WLM, if that's any help.
You: Windows Live Messenger. Or MSN (Microsoft Network[?]) messenger. An IM client.
You: It's like Omegle, but not anywhere near as anonymous.
Stranger: on it?
You: [My e-mail here]
You: So, bye?
Stranger: [His e-mail here]
Stranger: add me on IM
Stranger: We'll have chat sometime
Stranger: You from which country?
Stranger: I'm from India
You: I'm staying in America. I'm from...a country whose name I couldn't translate to English in any way if I tried.
Stranger: Name of the country?
Stranger: Where in America though?
Stranger: I visit there every 6 months
You: In Dallas's hinterland.
Stranger: That's cool
Stranger: What's your age?
Stranger: I'm 17
You: 487 million and some change. Do we really have to go over this again?
Stranger: So you are not basically American?
You: I'm as American as a creature from outer space who's been in America for a couple months can be, I suppose.
Stranger: Alright, are you a student?
You: Why study here on Earth? I'm older than any living thing on the entire planet, there's no interesting undiscovered technology I can steal, or anything.
Stranger: You awesome dude.
Stranger: Your hobbies?
You: Well, when I'm on vacation I try to study local arts, especially martial arts. When I'm called into a campaign I mostly just hang out with the other soldiers and do whatever I can for fun. It's boring at the ground camps most of the time.
Stranger: You a part of defence?
You: Defense? It'd take a really stupid, really brave, or really strong empire to break through billions of lightyears of carefully partolled hinterland and take on the strongest military power I know of.
You: No, I'm not defense. I'm either a scout or one of the attack dogs on the front lines.
Stranger: could you tell me the price of hat cap of NY?
You: Price of hat cap of NY? I'm pretty sure there was just a communication breakdown somewhere along the line.
Stranger: Baseball cap of NY?
Stranger: New York Yankees?
Stranger: heard of them?
You: What about 'em?
Stranger: They got their baseball caps?
You: Depends on who "they" are.
Stranger: NY caps?
Stranger: know what price they could be?
You: No idea. I don't buy that sort of stuff.
Stranger: I wished I could buy one but it's no where available in India
Stranger: Well, could you ship me one if I would pay you?
Stranger: I could pay you online, online banking?
You: I could, but why would I want to?
Stranger: May be you could be good
Stranger: I would pay some more?
You: Seeing as I can synthesize any currency in use on the entire planet from dirt with a piece of alien technomagic no larger than your thumb, I don't see a reason to go out of my way and do that.
You: Call me lazy, but eh.
Stranger: I wished I had one
Stranger: You are a grown up ain't you?
Stranger: I'm a teenager
Stranger: so you know...
Stranger: Need to go to sleep ya?
Stranger: I guess?
You: Who, me or you? I don't sleep, but feel free to rest.
Stranger: It's midnight there in US?
You: Well past midnight.
Stranger: So no sleep hmm?
Stranger: Why so?
You: Because technomagic. I'd ask the engineer if I cared.
Stranger: so just on Omegle on this World-wide-web?
Stranger: You Chinese or something as such?
You: Nope. Alien. Because of the extreme differences in the way we form words where I'm from, I couldn't translate my race's name to English if I tried. Different letters, different sounds, different everything.
Stranger: I'm a guy. That's what you were probably going to ask, so I'll save you the time. If that bothers you, disconnect. If you're not a moron, you're welcome to stay and converse.
Stranger: So, what are you up to, this morning?
You: Nothing much.
Stranger: Well, that can't be good.
You: No, some aliens are nice. I'm a nice alien.
Stranger: All aliens say that.
Stranger: Right before the anal probes and/or lasers are brought out.
You: Those are the white coats. I'm a uniform. I only do horrible things if provoked.
Stranger: Or ordered.
Stranger: Or bored.
Stranger: Or hungry.
You: No, not if bored or hungry. Just if provoked, or ordered. But usually I'm a scout. There's not much to fight out here.
Stranger: Or horny... x_x
You: They made me a neuter. I haven't been horny in millions of years.
Stranger: Well, that's both a shame, yet comforting.
You: Even if I were horny, I'd just have sex with something.
You: ...Which may be horrible, depending upon what that something is.
Stranger: Exactly. Alien gang-rape.
Stranger: Last thing I need is 20 alien boners.
You: Scoutships have two crew members: the soldier, and the engineer. That's one tenth of 20, and I doubt 10 of 'em are likely to find themselves that close together, especially way out here.
Stranger: Ok, 2 alien boners are still too many.
Stranger: 1 might be acceptable, depending upon the aesthetics of the alien.
You: What about 2 moist alien vaginas?
Stranger: From what I've read, they have teeth.
You: Seeing as vaginal teeth would serve absolutely no evolutionary purpose and probably actually be a hindrance, I doubt it.
Stranger: That's where you're wrong.
You: As for aesthetics, some of 'em are weird, some of 'em are outright nasty. Me, I'm a 7-foot-something anthropomorphic dog. Or close enough, at least.
Stranger: The females are the dominant gender, and aggressively seek out copulation, which is painful to the males.
Stranger: The teeth were evolved to keep the male genitalia inside until ejaculation, thus preventing the male from running away before fertilization.
You: So female-on-male rape.
Stranger: Everyone's favorite.
You: I don't like the sound of that particular case that much, though. Maybe it has something to do with teeth.
Stranger: I prefer human vaginas, but what do *I* know.
You: I've seen one case of that, and this is over millions of years and thousands of inhabited planets.
You: It's just not that useful.
You: Therefore, it doesn't evolve that often.
Stranger: Good, I suppose.
Stranger: Safe for another generation.
Stranger: I really wasn't in the mood to evolve an armored wang.
You: The trend with sapient species is the good ol' "When a male and a female really love each other..." story. I read something about the professional nerds saying something about it having to do with the way it tends to lead to balanced upbringing, which means more logically thinking animals, which means someone'll eventually figure out "HEY LOOK THIS FIRE STUFF MAKES IT WARM THIS IS GREAT OH GOD."
Stranger: Worked out okay, oddly enough.
Stranger: On the other hand, it also lead to the Jersey Shore.
Stranger: So ya win some, ya lose some.
You: Oh, and just so you know, rubber forehead-type aliens really are the most common type of intelligent life. Most anything at least smart enough to carry on a conversation with you will be either humanesque or sort of like an octopus, with the octopus-like-ness being considerably less common.
Stranger: Damn Octopoids...
You: Don't worry, they're nothing like Cthulhu. Usually.
Stranger: That's what Cthulu said.
You: I've seen some pretty damn big things with wings and tentacles, granted, but still. Not very common.
Stranger: Usually they're drawn by Japanese porno artists.
You: Well, that's usually the case here, but in the final frontier you'll run into a genuine article occasionally. Nothing bigger than, say, 9 meters, though. After that the square cube law starts to fuck its life up.
Stranger: The fetishists can't wait to get out there, I'm sure.
You: I imagine so.
Stranger: Good. We're getting crowded down here.
You: You'll figure something out. The good thing about life is that it's damn hard to kill.
Stranger: On an overall scale, sure. On a singular scale, pretty damn easy.
Stranger: Messy, but easy.
You: With concussive weapons, yeah. But my technomagic arsenal just vaporizes stuff. Nice and neat.
You: ...Well, some of it vaporizes stuff. Some of it's messier. Like the pull gun. It completely rips shit apart with magnetic magic. Try stopping that with a shield.
Stranger: But where's the fun in that?
You: Well, it takes all kinds.
Stranger: I suppose...
You: Railguns are rather messy. They make stuff explode.
You: Not a bloody explosion, either. The friction makes a fiery ball of death.
Stranger: I prefer less mess and burning. Makes looting easier.
You: Looting? Eh. Inferior technology and currency I can just synthesize if I really need to, mostly. If I get lucky I might find something to remind me of the time I spent in the area.
Stranger: Trophies. Make war worth while.
You: I'm not really a warrior, per se. My job usually entails "Go here and see what's going on," or "Give this a nudge in the direction we want it to go." If anything's stupid enough to piss the royalty off, I might be called into a campaign, and then there's usually some fighting done. Most of the time I just go from place to place, doing weird stuff."
Stranger: My job is to sit here and look important.
You: Basically. The massive military and navy looks nice, but really, it'd take some real good luck for some ragtag bunch of creatures to be smart enough to build a spaceship, yet still dumb enough to challenge a hegemony.
Stranger: Sounds like we TOTALLY fit the bill.
Stranger: Just need a few more generations to figure out the spaceflight thing.
You: Even if you got advanced enough to fly billions upon billions of lightyears away into the actual states to piss us off, we'd fire warning shots first. Shoot a big beam of light past a highly inhabited planet or something. I don't think something as smart as a human would try shit after that. And trust me, I've seen some dumb shit.
Stranger: We'll out-dumb the BEST OF EM!
You: I honestly doubt it.
You: We're nice enough when it comes to keeping crap out of our protection zone. We don't just murder anything with technology more advanced than a toaster. We politely ship 'em out of the protection zone when they start expanding willy nilly.
Stranger: Well, we DO love humpin' and expandin'
You: Then you're gonna find a lovely home a few quadrillion miles that-a-way in a few ages.
Stranger: Not mah problem! Yeeeeeeeeeeeeehaw!
You: I don't see why it would be anyone's problem. The royalty's paranoia is quelled and you don't get bothered by our scouts for ages upon ages, until it's decided that the protection radius is getting too thin.
Joined: 04 Aug 2007
Location: Andaman Island
I always end up talking to either some bored and horny teenage American girl, or some European or Chinese student with fair English skills. _________________ -
"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro."
Joined: 22 Jun 2007
Location: The Realm of General Vagaries
@FX: I skipped over the countless horny boys and girls trying to get off via text on the internet for everyone's sanity.
@PC: Of course I'm good at confounding. That's what being chaotic neutral is for. _________________ Everything that has transpired in this thread has done so according to my design.
I call this one... "A look into the mind of a hyper-intelligent 12-year-old harlot." Not the best title, but eh. It's not often you get someone with a good chain on 'is heart...or cock, or whatever. Naturally, I seized the opportunity and molested his mind instead of his fuckstick.
You: Yes, because you got both of the questions I asked wrong.
Stranger: Explain my son?
You: I don't live on Earth. I'm just on vacation here. I technically live billions of lightyears away, and realistically, because that's too far to travel when I'm off duty, on my little scout ship.
Stranger: then get the fuck off
Stranger: this is my planet
You: Smite me if you're so powerful.
Stranger: go get your own place >=[
You: I'm on vacation. I don't wanna hurt your precious humans.
Stranger: just probe some of the femanons with your disco stick then?
You: Not my job.
You: The scientists do that.
Stranger: and what are you then
You: Military. Star Control. If someone annoys the royalty, they send us to blow shit up.
You: But the humans are fine.
Stranger: fine if you are such a powerfull alien. bring these shit stains of people world peace for then i will believe you my boy.
You: Not my job, like I said. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't. I don't have a magical "make everyone happy and at peace" machine. They might have one back home, but I don't have one.
Stranger: build one
Stranger: you useless alien being
Stranger: did my brother Fod create you?
Stranger: or zeus?
Stranger: zeus is one nasty motherfucker
You: I'm not an engineer. I'm just the guy who pulls the trigger on the fancy "blow shit up" gun.
Stranger: constanty waving his gay ass lighting dick
Stranger: damnit i hate that guy
Stranger: fine i want a huge ass explosion on asia
You: There already was one. Fukushima.
You: Not that I caused it, but still. I think I should give 'em a break.
Stranger: dont care do it again
Stranger: holland is your target
You: Nah. I like my job, and I'm not supposed to just blow crap up without a good reason.
Stranger: you are not a very good alien sir.
You: You're not very good at hiding your stereotypical view of aliens.
You: Many beings aren't very good at many things.
Stranger: blow up holland
Stranger: do it now
Stranger: be gone demon
You: I'm not a demon. I'm an alien.
Stranger: you are a demon alien
You: Why do I suspect this conversation will find itself posted on 4chan?
Stranger: It wont
Stranger: god islazy
You: Well, if any magical invisible human god even exists, I imagine so.
Stranger: I am almighty , you will never find me. All the weird people say that i live on clouds
Stranger: they are lieing.
You: I certainly hope so, because I haven't seen you in the clouds.
Stranger: Because i am almighty.
Stranger: Far more superior then you
Stranger: demon alien scumbag!
You: You're almighty, huh?
You: Well, I've got a job to worry about. You're the top dog, so blow up Mars, eh? Nobody's using it.
Stranger: Thought that was your job?
Stranger: Ah well go blow it up i live on pluto
You: No, no. My job is to kill stuff the royalty tells me to. I don't have a beef with Mars.
Stranger: But then i got to raise my hand. Im not doing that , to much effort.
Stranger: Even god can ragequit
You: You're god. You have to use hand motions to cast your magical spells? Why not just do it with a single thought? Hell, you don't even have to be god to do that any more; they're training supersoldiers with thought-activated weapons back where I'm from, I hear.
Your conversational partner has disconnected. _________________ Everything that has transpired in this thread has done so according to my design.
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