If you've been in Purg recently, you'll know I'm currently waging a troll war against all who like My Little Pony.
Well, several months ago I realized that the ponies could actually be compared to various internet trolls and not-trolls (Mly is more similar to the pink one than you might think, and that's NOT a good thing). Non-pony names are supplied for those who think playing them up as trolls is dumb.
Twilight Sparkle (non-pony name: The Perfesser)
"According to my calculations, blah blah blah damage bonus blah blah metagame blah blah..."
Twilight Sparkle knows stuff. A lot of stuff. Whether the forum is about video games, baseball cards, or even gardening, this warrior has it down pat. At least on paper - practical application may be lacking. In either case, they're never stingy with their stock of facts and figures, even when everyone else would rather they keep it to themselves. They may have a freakish knowledge of websites, servers, and all that jazz, especially if the forums they frequent are technical in nature anyway (i.e. Bleepingcomputer, though I don't know if there's one there or not). If this is the case, they may swing quite a bit of weight.
Set one of these off and you have the closest possible thing to hell on the internet.
Pinkie Pie (non-pony name: Serial Yakker)
"Blahblahblahblahblahblahblah... blahblahblahblah. The narwhal bacons at midnight!"
Actually, I was wrong, Pinkie Pie is the closest possible thing to hell on the internet. They ramble on and on, changing subjects repeatedly and without pause until there's no hope for the reader to ever find their train of thought. They are completely random, and most of what they say either a. comes straight from left field, b. obviously untrue (it's anyone guess whether they know that themselves, though), or c. both, leaving more normal posters to wonder what in blue blazes they're on. When they're not doing that, they're spewing memes like CATS on crack. They don't typo quite as much as Bong, though, and they're just so sweet, most warriors can't bring themselves to say what they really think of them. If someone does, prepare for PMS!
Pirate Mollie was probably this, especially when she first arrived, and Mly is a very annoying hybrid of this and Molestia.
Rarity (non-pony name: Delicate Princess)
"That's just wrong!"
Rarity is a pretentious, entitled luzer, who thinks she should be placed on a level above everyone else (come to think of it, I see some Pirate Mollie here too). She's very outspoken about her idea of good taste, won't put up with the opposite, and positively faints if she manages to involve herself in a flame war.
Don't let her prissy exterior fool you, though, she's packing a full arsenal of passive-agressive techniques, which she will not hesitate to use. Her response to anything is to whine and browbeat until she's blue in the face - forums full of Weenies, Bliss Ninnies, and Innocence Abuseds, as well as sympathetic Liberal Ideologues and Issueses, are her dream playground, bursting at the seams with suckers she can easily twist 'round her fingers. Centurion, Big Dog and Troglodyte are usually not affected by such emotional outbursts and will unceremoniously tell her to stuff a sock in it. She is capable of multiplying her power several times by joining a Swarm, a pack of Howlers, or a clan of Cyber Sisters, environments where her frivolity, lack of general knowledge, and reliance on a single tactic won't cause her so much grief. And if she get's into a Pedmin's harem or joins forces with one or more Crybabies/other Rarities (possible low-level Cyber Sisters formed), that's good times right there. Troller, Evil Clown, Jerk, and Enfant Provocateur will egg her on for her own amusement, while Troll and Discord may have more sinister uses for her antics.
Note that Rarity is a possible and fairly devastating alias of Troller, Evil Clown, and of course Impostor.
Rainbow Dash (non-pony name: Fast and Furious/Evel Knievel/Rubberneck)
"Kick ALL the asses!"
Rainbow Dash is always doing something dangerous. Whether she's moutain biking along loose cliffsides, riding a skateboard in traffic, breakdancing on top the Empire Sate Building, or street racing in her Honduh Civic which is (only in her dreams) a Type-R with twin turbos and nitrous, Rainbow Dash is the picture of teenage coolness. In fact, her tales of rubbernecking and of risking life and limb for the hell of it are so prolific and so outlandish that all but the most gullible of warriors stop believing her after a week or two.
Fluttershy (non-pony name: Conflict Avoidance)
"Um... I don't mean to offend anyone..."
Fluttershy is a spineless coward. She has no opinions of her own, instead changing them constantly to agree with whatever seems to be the majority. If someone disagrees with her, she'll instantly change in a futile attempt to please everybody. She thinks she's making progress socially by agreeing with everyone. Actually, she's universally regarded as a wishy-washy weakling, though some warriors will humor her anyway. She's probably a hippie/yuppie moron as well.
WARNING: Fluttershy contains strong elements of Jekyll & Hyde, and if other warriors stop pretending to comisserate with her, she's liable to go off like the mother of all bombs. At that point there's nothing left to do but run, Forrest, run!
Applejack (non-pony name: Homesick Farmer)
What was that fake Texan warrior called? Whatever it is, Applejack is several orders of magnitude dumber. In addition to the horrible fake accent and overused down-homey sayings, Applejack knows approximately nothing about anything relevant to the forum. Her name provides a clue, perhaps she's been hitting the bottle too much?
Some admins take full advantage of their title and funny colored nametag to project an aura that says "tell me I'm right or it's 6 months in solitary." Celestia is not one of those admins. She may be the site founder, or may have been given a banhammer later on, but either way she still thinks as a rank-and-file member. She readily participates in trivial, friendly discussions, with a minimum of pomp & circumstance, and is respectful of conflicting opinions (that's not to say she won't use her banstick if there's a good reason for it though). The only difference between her and a normal member under normal circumstances, in fact, is that she likes to use her admin powers to, uhm, liven up the site experience for everyone else. Whether she's "tweaking" the wordfilter to make mockeries of common netisms (in the process butchering up everyone's carefully worded posts) or manufacturing elaborate, brilliantly subtle April Fool's jokes in November, Celestia's antics make some warriors laugh and others want to launch their computer out the window. It goes without saying that this type of admin is almost exclusively found at small, "village-like" websites, but CJayC of GameFAQs was known to make a joke or two as well.
Trollestia (non-pony name: Trollmod)
"Many of our policies are practical jokes, but it's more fun if we don't tell you which ones."
Unlike Celestia, who wants to loosen up the board with her antics, Trollestia does what she does so she can laugh at her subject's expense. Everything about the board, from the rules, to the structure, to the theme, to the clever verbal traps she lays when in conversation with the hoi polloi may or may not be specifically designed to make the site experience hellish - without, of course, anyone getting wise to it - and you really have to watch your step. She may randomly hand out gay bans for trivial offenses one day, then let particularly brave survivors get away with murder the next. She may ban some rulebreakers but not others, with nought but the luck of the draw separating the lucky ones from those not so lucky. A typical Trollestia tactic is to heavily and obviously favor one side in a confilct (usually the minority or the most hated faction) above another, to the great consternation of those who thought they were fighting for santiy, normalcy, and the greater good of the board. She may even troll her own board with sockpuppets (which will, of course, enjoy mysterious immunity from all penalty), or let trolls and spammers run rampant while her subjects beg her for help.
If such an admin has some kind of motivation beyond the lulz, it's not Trollestia, but rather something like Abusive Admin. If they just want to watch the forum burn, you've got a Trollestia.
Molestia (non-pony name: Pedobear)
(Can't think of a quote)
Molestia carries undue affection towards those of tender age, and isn't afraid to admit it. They may even talk describe, in graphic detail, their sexual adventures with the underaged (which people will quickly decide never happened, do to the fact they haven't been locked up yet).
Mly is an extremely annoying hybrid of this and Pinkie Pie. If this is an actual admin like the other -estia warriors, it may fall under Pedmin.
Discord (non-pony name: Divider)
"Name1 won't help us because Name2 told him you said he was an obstacle."
Discord is, in essence, a narrower Troll. While Troll may have a variety of motivations and objectives, Discord just wants to divide the population of the forum along as many lines as possible, he doesn't particualy care what he has to do to accomplish that goal, and it's rarely anything but a game to him. As mentioned above, if a Discord turns out to have motivations beyond simple schandenfreude, he's probably a Troll or a Rebel Leader.
Thanks for your attention. I hope you enjoyed this snarky characterization of innocent cartoon characters as something less than desireable.
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