Joined: 22 Jun 2007
Location: The Realm of General Vagaries
Just thought I'd post this here, 'cause I'm bored and I'd like to see what y'all think of it. Note: it may have randomly placed crap like "oh rats" and "nice bottom" in it because I copypasted it from a forum that has faggy censors. I tried to get around them as best I could, but I might have missed a few. So yeah.
Scene: Mly is at the edge of the floating island upon which his mlair sits, looking down upon the ocean, when his new apprentice walks up behind him, attempting to tap him on the shoulder.
Mly: [suddenly turns around, twists the apprentice's arm, wraps his own arm around hers, pushes down and then pulls up, causing the apprentice's arm to break, and begins pummeling her face]
Apprentice: Sir, sir! It's me! Your apprentice!
Mly: [stops for a few moments, then punches her in the head once more] I told you not to disturb me unless it's an emergency, you pitiful fool!
Apprentice: It is, sir.
Mly: Well out with it then!
Apprentice: There have been multiple critical failures in the chamber of suffering. The military-grade speakers are now functioning only as well as normal speakers turned up as high as possible, multiple needle arms and whip arms have been stripped of important components, three of the furnaces are unable to break 100 degrees, and most notably, the pain-to-energy converter is functioning only at one-fifth of full capacity. Additionally, the majority of the reserve batteries have been destroyed. While we're currently producing more energy than the mlair requires to function at full capacity, if who- or whatever is sabotaging us continues to do so, we will quickly fall out of the sky.
Mly: [growl of rage] Engage the flotation devices and try to bring her down into the ocean! Using the island as a boat is slower, but at least if we run out of energy there, we won't fall multiple thousand feet! Bring me the multiverse phone, as well. If this saboteur manages to take our main power source out, I want to have a backup.
Apprentice: Yes sir.
(Some time later, in Mly's chamber)
Mly: Ganondorf, I need to borrow your triforce of power right now. We'll discuss payment later. My mlair is in danger of falling out of the sky. [pause] What!? You don't need it, you incomparable asshole!! You're in an empty void! I don't see how you're going to fight that green tunic-wearing mute in there! [pause] Fine, fine. If you let me borrow it, I'll teleport you out the moment I'm done with it. [pause] Excellent. So we have a deal. I'll just teleport in a teleporter set to the right co-ordinates and -- [massive quake causes Mly to drop the multiverse phone as the lights go out and are replaced by dim red ones] What in my glorious name was that!?
Apprentice: [rushes in] My liege, we're running out of power! The chamber of suffering simply isn't producing enough energy to keep the island afloat!
Mly: [quickly grabs onto some bars above his throne and presses a button which causes the area where his throne is to be replaced with very thick and soft cushioning] How high are we!?
Apprentice: No less than 200 fee -- [another quake throws the apprentice to the floor and kills her, and Mly barely survives, being pulled off of the bars and slamming into the cushioned area where his throne was]
Mly: [gets up and shakes his head] Well, I suppose that answers that question. [presses another button on a nearby pillar, causing a wall to slide away, revealing a pod standing on birdlike legs with a young girl tethered to it by a strange cord] Hello little girl. Are you ready to fly?
Little girl: Please, sir, no...I don't want to fly again.
Scene: Mly is flying above his mlair in the Egg-o-matic Automatic he bought from Robotnik. The girl hanging by the tether is screaming like mad.
Mly: [laughs maniacally] That's right! Keep screaming! We wouldn't want the batteries to run dry and cause this to drop out of the sky, now would we? [pause] Oh look, we're at our destination! [lands]
[a short while later...]
Mly: [enters a large room full of parts and turns on the light]
Humanesque robot: I am ready to serve, sir.
Mly: Excellent. Get me...three energy rocket cannons, three laser cannons, four -- no, five...six -- rapid-fire hammerspace-clip turrets, as many of those weird shrinking and expanding flying ball things that Robotnik used once or twice as you can find, and the multi-purpose shot modifier for the frontal laser cannon of the Egg-o-matic Automatic. Bring them all outside and get ready to attach them where I tell you to.
Humanesque robot: Yes, sir.
[several minutes later...]
Mly: Wondrous. [turns to the little girl] When I get back to the slave cache, I'm going to replace you, and you'll be my new apprentice.
Little girl: But sir, can't you just let me go free? Please?
Mly: Hey, don't you know the benefits? Three meals a day, flawless health insurance, a salary -- and it's no sum to sneeze at, either! -- and, best of all, if you choose that, I won't kill you.
Little girl: F-fine, sir.
[some time later...]
Mly: Alright. Ready for your new job, my darling?
Little girl: As I'll ever be, sir.
Mly: [unshackles the little girl and replaces her with a new slave] Now then, to the false throne room! Here, take this. [hands the girl a small, strange gun, turns around, and gets into the Egg-o-matic Automatic]
Little girl: [shoots at Mly's head, the bullet bounces off of an invisible forcefield and kills her]
Mly: [turns back around and looks at the dead body, then checks his watch] Aw. I was hoping for a record. [pause] Let's see... [pulls up a list of apprentice candidates on his watch, which apparently doubles as a fully functional computer with an extremely fancy yet equally functional futuristic OS through interactive holograms]
Scene: Mly is carefully inspecting a potential apprentice.
Mly: [is writing on a small notepad] Bust: C... Height: 5'2"...You can put your clothes back on, by the way. [continues writing on the notepad]
[A short time later, the potential apprentice is sitting in a chair opposite Mly, clothed again]
Mly: ...Alright. Time for the psychological evaluation. [pulls out some large cards and looks at the first one. It's a picture of an incredibly attractive young female, completely naked, with butt-length hair. He turns the deck back around] What does this make you think of?
Potential apprentice: It's a naked woman. Not much to think of.
Mly: ...Oh, I almost forgot. [hands the potential apprentice a strange concoction] Here, drink this.
Potential apprentice: [takes the drink and downs it] It tastes...weird.
Mly: It's normal. Now, what does this make you think, again?
Potential apprentice: It's...it's...
Potential apprentice: It's the woman I wish I looked like.
Mly: [scribbles down "sexual insecurity" on his notepad] Ah, I see. [flips to the next card; it's a photo of a rugged man and a young girl sitting against a tree in a picturesque shot of the woods] What about this one? What does this one say to you?
Potential apprentice: [in a voice that sounds vaguely like she's hypnotized] It reminds me of my dad.
Mly: In what way?
Potential apprentice: He used to take me out in the woods, and...and...
Potential apprentice: [eyes begin to water up] He...did bad things to me....Things I didn't understand at the time. It felt good, but wrong.
Mly: So...he raped you?
Potential apprentice: [long pause] Y-yes...
[four hours of intense therapy and mind-searching later...]
Mly: Wow. You've had a terrible life. But that's okay, because you're my apprentice now, and everything's about to change. [grabs a small adhesive band on a nearby table] Here, attach this to your body somewhere where it's unlikely to be seen or removed.
[several minutes later, Mly and the new apprentice are in the Egg-o-matic Automatic, flying to the false throne room]
Mly: Do you feel any different, my darling?
Apprentice: Actually, yes. I feel so...balanced. So...empowered. How did you do that?
Mly: That thing you put on your inner thigh creates and releases nanites. Not only do they protect against diseases and allow a ten-fold increase in physical regeneration against anything short of death, they also counteract mental problems. [pause] Oh, and if you ever, ever cause any problems, I'm taking it, and you'll spend the rest of your life as crazy as you were before. Got it?
Apprentice: [gulp] Yes, sir!
Mly: Wondrous. Now, to the false throne room! The saboteur will likely leave if they think I'm dead.
Scene: Mly is atop the tallest tower of the mlair, which itself sits atop a massive mountain in the middle of the mlair, talking to a robot in an exact replica of his super-condensed Ulmecixium armor, a fake human exterior beneath, giving it the instructions for faking his death.
Mly: Now then, I need this saboteur to think I'm dead, so he'll leave and I can repair my mlair undisturbed. Him being dead would also be fine, but for some reason the hero almost invariably wins so I won't count on it. Take the Egg-o-matic, and try to kill him. I'll press the button to make this room fold up out of the way when he arrives, so you can fly as high as you need. But I'll only do it when you get in the Egg-o-matic, so it looks like you've pressed the button. If he destroys it, fly as high up as you can, act like you're trying to escape, and pretend to be dead when it explodes and you drop out of the sky.
Robot: Understood, sir.
Mly: Wondrous! Now, I'll just take the dummy Egg-o-matic, replace it with my armed one, and be on my way. Remember, fake death. Don't actually die. Robots are expensive.
Robot: It shall be done, sir.
[some time later, Mly is in the real throne room.]
Mly: [pulls a mic down from the ceiling] TARA! Keep an eye on the false throne room cameras, and alert me of any intrusions. There's likely to be a battle there very soon, and I haven't watched any good movies lately!
TARA: Thy will be done, lord Mly!
Mly: Stop talking like you're from the middle ages! You're a computer, for my sake!
TARA: I don't have any limbs and my IQ is over 37,000. I get bored sometimes, you know.
Mly: Shut up and do as you're told!
TARA: Very well, sir.
Mly: [slams his fist on a large button beside his throne, causing a secondary throne to rise up from under the floor beside it] Have a seat, my darling. The show should begin soon.
Apprentice: [sits down in the secondary throne] You could call me by name, sir.
Mly: Er...What's your name again?
Apprentice: Amien, sir.
Mly: Amien what?
Amien: Amien Elaine McLaughlin, sir.
Mly: Well, that's a nice name. [pause] Wait, you've survived more than one episode and you've said your name! That means you're officially a mauve shirt!
Amien: Thank goodness. I was entering this job expecting to die.
Mly: Well, if you hadn't taken the job, I would've killed you anyway, so you would've died either way. But now you're a mauve shirt, so we don't have to worry about that for a while. Now then, [wraps one arm around Amien, crosses his legs, and hits the television button on the armrest of his throne, causing a massive television to come down] let's watch some actual TV while we wait....
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